Enough Is enough! I have absolutely had enough of the bull. It has been a nightmare trying to navigate the waters of human decency and morality. I have been kind, introverted, extroverted, every verted yet I get nowhere with these people out here. "Ghosting" is what people out here do well and I don't understand that. The term "to be "ghosted" is a new one. It is basically when you are in any relationship (usually a romantic one) and the person just disappears. There are no calls, no texts, no explanations why. It just happened to me by someone I thought would at least be a person I could call an associate. It has been hard, long, and lonely road. I have found myself slipping into bouts of depression. I feel empty, I have no friends or family to call upon. People only associate themselves with me when they need something. Its not okay to play around with someone's heart. Its painful and it hurts. As I sit here and I think back to the year 2000(also known as the millennium) it takes me to the moments that left me flabbergasted, hurt, torn, and lost. That was the year that I began to stop trusting people when it came to friendships. I was a junior in high school and had been best friends with another peer of mine for two years. Out of nowhere, junior year of high school she ghosted me. She didn't want to be friends with someone who had no desire to pursue popularity, She in turn received what she wanted and to this day she is popular in life. I do not hate her or have any ill feelings towards her as a person. I am getting over the act that was carried out, how it was carried out, and how it reshaped my entire life. I tried to be the nice person for a long time after that and that got me nowhere, I stayed with my heart hidden and buried behind a sturdy red brick wall. Family hasn't been the cornerstone in which I look to for comfort and love to say the least. They are the worst offenders. To be shunned by them for being different, having interests that do not align with their lifestyle, and wanting more for myself than continuing the cycle of abuse in every way. All I hope for is a friend. But lets be real here, I am 35 years old, no church home, and no other social groups to which I belong. That leaves practically zero room for me to build healthy friendships with people. You can't really do that in a church, we go there to be healed and redeemed. I don't want to enter someone's life who is in the beginning stages of getting through a tough time and/or severe trauma. It wouldn't be fair to them nor me for we are in different places mentally and emotionally. I just want to find my place. No matter what a person tells you, everyone wants to feel as of they belong. I have no such place. Sometimes I wonder if I even belong in my own marriage. I have been married for 3 very long and trying years and for the last two of them I felt alone. Everything comes before me no matter what the circumstance. I hate when he tries to make me feel like I am stupid. His words are empty and mean nothing to me. I am tired of the empty promises and the burden of all the fiscal responsibilities placed upon me. What is a girl to do with her back against the wall in so many areas and avenues in her life? If I didn't have music, I honestly do not know where I would be. Music has saved my life, my soul, my being. It has become my only place of comfort.
