The Trigger

Why won't you go away? Why do you stay?

Pulling the trigger out of nowhere and I caught with the stray?

Paralyzed, confused, as my body begins to sense the feeling,

Afraid to speak, words escape me, for the topic is not appealing.

I hate the girl who was once myself that I've been escaping over the decades

Free, trapped, elated, doomed, dreadful of the dopamine drop as my brain consumes

The memories of the moments spread beyond the years,

Age 3 and the only thing I was allowed to feel was fear. 

Bartered and sold, sold and bought was the existence i was met

Set up for failure, a life is have to fight for, with immeasurable pain I'll never forget.

I don't ask why, that's a mission in futility,

I take a deep breath, ask how myself how, and continue to walk forward in my abilities.

Imaan

                         

                            Well, I don't really mind

                           Where you wanna go

'Cause everybody sometimes
Feels the need to be alone

It's a temporary breakdown
When there's nothing left to say
Show a little faith now
'Cause everything is gonna be okay

Well, it should come as no surprise
When you're dealing with the truth
It should be a state of mind
Or another point of view

So if your confidence is shaken
I can promise it won't break
Show a little faith now
'Cause everything is gonna be okay

When nothings making sense
And the questions never end
You gotta let it go, let it go
Every now and then I can't pretend
But in the end I say that I don't know

And do you believe in miracles?
I hear they happen every day
And if you believe then
We can walk on water

Well, I don't really mind
Where you wanna go
'Cause everybody sometimes
Feels the need to be alone

It's temporary breakdown
When there's nothing left to say
Show a little faith now
'Cause everything is gonna be okay

Where you go, what you find
Will remain or pass us by
Some will climb, some will fall
Some will rise above it all

Promises you make or break
Gone tomorrow, here today
Let it pass, let it wait
Turn around and walk away

When nothings making sense
And the questions never end
You gotta let it go, oh baby
Every now and then I can't pretend
But in the end I say that I don't know

And do you believe in miracles?
I hear they happen every day
And if you believe then
We can walk on water

Well, I don't really mind
Where you wanna go
'Cause everybody sometimes
Feels the need to be alone

It's temporary breakdown
When there's nothing left to say
Show a little faith now
'Cause everything is gonna be okay

I don't really mind
Where you wanna go
'Cause everybody sometimes
Feels the need to be alone

It's temporary breakdown
When there's nothing left to say
Show a little faith now
'Cause everything is gonna be okay

I don't really mind
Where you wanna go
'Cause everybody sometimes
Feels the need to be alone

It's temporary breakdown
When there's nothing left to say
Show a little faith now
'Cause everything is gonna be okay

Venting (5:45 am)

My thoughts run rampant, circular, on and on,

Id give anything to eradicate them,be okay, have them gone.

The weight that I carry is one that crushes every bone,

I feel as if I'm going crazy, I need to be left alone.

Do I deserve peace, freedom, thoughts away from fear?

Or wil I continue to suffer and allow these things to forever be near?

It feels good to write this down and get it off of my chest,

Hoping one day soon that I will accept it and finally get some rest.

I cannot change what can't be undone so I have to face the facts,

I will be okay no matter what because I know Allah always has my back.

Anxiety

Anxiety

Anxiety and depression is getting the best of me,

I’m tired of the everyday motions of simply existing.

They try to trap me in a box and I fit into none,

Therefore I push through with a feeling nothing can be done. 

Why are my struggles minimized by society as a whole?

Is it because despite my circumstances I was born into I chose not to fold? 

I chose the path least expected and educated myself with honor,

Yet I’m left unheard and unseen as the darkness continues to lure. 

Resilience is engrained within my bones and deep within my soul,

Because of that sense of self I’m perceived to be a person who is always whole.

But I’m  a broken woman isolated, hurt, and afraid,

Afraid of what will become of me due to the image that is portrayed.

I’m well spoken, clear, intelligent and aware,

But that doesn’t mean that I am not scared.

Scared of my own self and of this debilitating isolation,

Constantly fighting the entity that  caused this emotional condemnation.

Don’t let my strength blur what it is you think you see, 

Because what’s really there is a woman clinging onto hope, praying desperately.

 The beauty of his mind is worth more than a rare gem,

the airy flow of his native tongue that simply makes him, him.

The compassion he displays for those who are in more need then himself,

is a glimpse into his amiable heart that never lay dormant on a shelf.

His good deeds are far reaching as they touch those he doesn't even know,

he would never take credit, need validation or have them on display for show.

His acquiescence undisturbed, for he needs no recognition,

Accepting what is to be is what shall be is his soul what lies within.

Duty, honor, kindness, and Commitment is the foundation upon which he stands,

When darkness begins to settle upon another, it is he who would extend his hands

An open mind and understanding heart are simple phrases to define this great man that I love,

a man that trusts and believes in truth, a man who will never alter his way of life nor influenced by western ways that are shoved.

To me he is the epitome of perfection and I will never believe otherwise,

I see him, I know him he wears no disguise.

He fears Allah, and through that he loves as hard as he can

My dear Musab you are my dream, a true and beautiful Muslim man.

A Reckoning

What do I do with the love I know we share?

How will I get over you knowing you were the only one who truly cared?

Why can't I love myself the way I know I should?

Why did I allow things to just happen and for myself I never stood?

I'm as strong as they come and can get through any tough time,

Taking on the waves so fiercely never swept away with the tide.

I wear my brave face as if it were a shield for war,

Never let them see you sweat yet my insides are twisted to the core.

It's not okay to hurt people or play games with their hearts,

Open up, move on, shop again with a empty new cart.

A cart that was never kept occupied due to lies and manipulation,

I am existing within this world in a constant state of sedation. 

I live a lie, many lies, too many to even count,

I've spoken so many untruths that I have lost myself and live in a state of doubt.

I wish I could go back to that young girl who had a chance at life,

That little girl was full of wonder and curiosity I'd dissect with a knife.

A knife that I still yield today with mistruths and a false smile,

The only road I remember walking, the road that stretches beyond the miles.

There is no one to blame but myself and myself alone.

It is my fault that my heart has never truly had a home.

Will I be this way forever, will I ever change?

Will I ever have the ability to just accept my own name.

I resent who I am so deeply, the pain within is crushing my soul,

as if a monsoon has wiped away that little girl and as a woman I have grown cold.

My intentions are to never actually hurt anyone,

but who am I kidding, it never lasts because my lies revert them undone.

I fear that I will leave this earth and this is how I will be remembered,

The little girl who lost herself and whose lies never surrendered.

Covid & Skyscrapers...

 

  The last 15 months of my life have been a doozy. As the Covid-19 Pandemic arose the world was at a standstill. People were stockpiling and hoarding just about any and everything they could get their hands on, it literally didn't matter what it was. It wa a very scary time. I was blessed to get through the pandemic Financially due to precautions I have always taken in my life to sustain. I grieve and pray for those who have passed on and the family members who couldn't say goodbye nor be with their loved ones at all in those very early days. I was blessed enough to not be affected but I absolutely did my part in not catching nor spreading the disease. 

    It became a total shit show! The man who occupied the Oval Office until he was voted out November 2020 really made the pandemic worse. He spread lies, conspiracies, and hateful rhetoric towards anyone who spoke against him. My anxiety was very high. I had to find peace somewhere in the midst of all the madness around me. Being quarantined in your home to literally save your life was very difficult. I am honestly surprised I am still here today. It has been a tough and long road for a lot of people but as I write this I can only speak for myself.     

    The weekends were the worst. The isolation and loneliness set in heavy on my heart. The fear was gut wrenching, the news was all bad. I was fearful of everything around me. I did have my good days, if I didn't I wouldn't be here today. I did some reading, and watched a lot of Investigation Discovery murder mysteries, but what the pandemic really opened my eyes to was the outright selfishness and entitlement of the American people. God was hard at work revealing to me who would be there for me in my life as a constant soul. I didn't like people before, but Covid-19 reaffirmed  that I am right. The selfish need for self preservation seeped through the pores of the true wolves in sheep's clothing. Instead of uniting together to fight this, people drew their battle lines and we were all at war with one another. For a black woman in the midwest that was a scary time and quite honestly it still is. 

    The few people I made an attempt to be in regular contact with turned out to be the people I needed to never had met. My walls are up today and it is not a feeling I like. When using the term "skyscraper" people associate it with overcoming a battle and not being torn down, what I mean when I reference it in this particular writing is my walls are just that high. I am guarded, hurt, lost, confused, and straight up lonely. It is hard to even give people the benefit of the doubt any longer. I used to be able to do that but now I can barely be surface level let alone open my heart to any one individual.     

    I am doing slightly better now but I am still anxious. The healing process is just that, a process, and I am still on my journey. 

    Friday, March 28th, 2021

Jesus Is The Reason For The Season

Merry Christmas is the thing to say this morning. What we must remember is the meaning behind the day. We are not alone for he is with us, he is aware of everything, so please for a moment today simply be still and know God is your peace. Christmas, well every holiday has become easier and easier to bear since that day. The beauty is, my heart has a heart. God is the other heart protecting me from consistent pain and allowing me to feel the joy and love I am entitled to as I continue on with my journey.

I am simply just thankful to be here in a good place and a good space and God is the reason for it all. I fall to my knees in praise for all he has blessed me and my family with this year and as log as we continue to serve our Lord faithfully and true those blessings will continue.

Merry Christmas! And remember JESUS IS THE REASON :) 

"It's Okay" Letter to Self

Dear Self,

It's Okay to not be okay all the time. Life will always throw you for loops and you never know when they are coming. You have been through so much in your life and you should not be so hard on yourself. You have been hurt, burdened, broken down and shattered, but every single. time you got back up and regained your strength to pull through. You have lost things that can be replaced such as cars, homes, phones and other materialistic items. The loss that cannot ever be replaced are those that are not of the material value. Some human relationships need to be lost. That contact needs to be severed because of the toxicity surrounding it. But, there are those relationships that you needed and were taken from you in the most barbaric and hateful ways imaginable. Those are years you can never get back, joy you will never feel, and memories you will never have. All you can do is move forward as you have, as hard as it has been, and as long as it has taken for you to get to this healthy place you are in now. It's okay to not have close friends. Its a lonely place to be when you have regained all the material things you once lost but have no one to share it with. That hurts. It hurts more than people know. You scroll through your phone and have no one to call. The few people that you can call don't answer. You feel as if you are merely a Monday - Friday Friend and it hurts. It doesn't take long to realize who a person is and if you need them in your life. You are a born fighter. You have a sense about people immediately and you know when they are full of it. You may entertain their games for a minute, but you are smart and know better than to get even a millimeter closer. You are smart, bright, intelligent and beautiful. People envy who and what they do not understand. You. know your worth and you will not settle fro anything less than that. You put your all into everything that you do and if the powers that be don't see it, it is simply their loss. Do not feel afraid for you know that your God is with you. He has carried you through the times when walking was unimaginable, he stood beside you when your strength needed to shine, and he believed in you when you did not believe in your own abilities. Faith is the foundation upon which you stand beautiful young woman. God is your guide and Faith is your sight.

What's Going On?

What is going on? We have children being killed in places that are supposed to be deemed safe, our black men being killed day in and day out, and grade schoolers committing suicide due to bullying. These times you and I are living in will not be remembered fondly. We are the country that is supposed to help the poor, the weak, the refugee, and the hungry, what happened to that? Now we are building walls, spewing hate rhetoric, not holding ourselves accountable when we have done wrong. Do you remember the days when you did something wrong you were actually afraid of the teacher calling home? I do. Nowadays kids taunt their teacher's and know they can go home and tell a tall lie with no repercussions. When did all this become normal? I am not going to blame this all on "45" but he definitely has done nothing to help it and everything to add fire to an already rapidly burning flame. Everyday on the news there is one tragedy after the next. Are we wrong for becoming numb to it? Is it just horrible that we come expect lies and mistruths? We should not allow this to become the norm. We must not live in complacency and act as if none of this affects us as long as it doesn't touch our home and personal lives. What if it does? What would you do? Wouldn't you like the very same empathy that you lack to be felt for you in your time of sadness an grief?`

Economically the playing field for my people (black people) has never been equal, but in today's society it couldn't be more far a part. I cant even go to the hospital without being in a frantic state of worry over the costs up front and the bill afterwards. I have been a contributing, working, tax paying citizen since the day I was legally allowed to be, yet someone who does not work and is very much able to receives cheap or free housing, free Medical insurance in the form of Medicaid if they have children (which most do), and to add the sprinkles on top receive Food Stamps up to 900+ dollars a month. My tax dollars pay for that yet I pay full rent, A Co-Pay every single time I am sick or ill, and if there is leftovers to put the basic essential food items into my refrigerator that's a good  pay period. When will the playing field become equal? When will we stop stepping upon one another and instead reach out an honest hand? What has happened to communities coming together to help a neighbor on hard times? Its all lost and gone with this undeniably selfish world and mindset a lot pf people live in. Its been what I like to call "The generation of selfishness", Yes, I am a millennial born in good ol' 1984, I grew up in the 90's and I am grateful and thankful that I did. I may not have had everything I wanted, hell, we grew up barely having everything we needed, but because of that I am that much more appreciative of everything I have. I like to work hard, I enjoy earning my way, and knowing that my growth as an African American woman is all due to my hard work, resilience, and determination.

I don't mind helping others if I can. But some see "help" only in the form of money. There are many other ways you could be of service to one person or an entire community. There are food drives everywhere all year long, donate time to a cause that you are passionate about, offer a talent or skill to a non-profit that may need it. Money is the root to all evil and it does not make the world go around. Money does not translate into happiness and guaranteed peace. Celebrities and those among the rich and famous may not face the same economical woes you and I do, but they will all face the same inevitable fate of death as all living beings do. I am not saying this to be morbid, I am only shining a much needed light on a world that may not see its own reflection.

Enough?

Enough Is enough! I have absolutely had enough of the bull. It has been a nightmare trying to navigate  the waters of human decency and morality. I have been kind, introverted, extroverted, every verted yet I get nowhere with these people out here. "Ghosting" is what people out here do well and I don't understand that. The term "to be "ghosted" is a new one. It is basically when you are in any relationship (usually a romantic one) and the person just disappears. There are no calls, no texts, no explanations why. It just happened to me by someone I thought would at least be a person I could call an associate. It has been  hard, long, and lonely road. I have found myself slipping into bouts of depression. I feel empty, I have no friends or family to call upon. People only associate themselves with me when they need something. Its not okay to play around with someone's heart. Its painful and it hurts. As I sit here and I think back to the year 2000(also known as the millennium) it takes me to the moments that left me flabbergasted, hurt, torn, and lost. That was the year that I began to stop trusting people when it came to friendships. I was a junior in high school and had been best friends with another peer of mine for two years. Out of nowhere, junior year of high school she ghosted me.  She didn't want to be friends with someone who had no desire to pursue popularity, She in turn received what she wanted and to this day she is popular in life. I do not hate her or have any ill feelings towards her as a person. I am getting over the act that was carried out, how it was carried out, and how it reshaped my entire life. I tried to be the nice person for a long time after that and that got me nowhere, I stayed with my heart hidden and buried behind a sturdy red brick wall. Family hasn't been the cornerstone in which I look to for comfort and love to say the least. They are the worst offenders. To be shunned by them for being different, having interests that do not align with their lifestyle, and wanting more for myself than continuing the cycle of abuse in every way. All I hope for is a friend. But lets be real here, I am 35 years old, no church home, and no other social groups to which I belong. That leaves practically zero room for me to build healthy friendships with people. You can't really do that in a church, we go there to be healed and redeemed. I don't want to enter someone's life who is in the beginning stages of getting through a tough time and/or severe trauma. It wouldn't be fair to them nor me for we are in different places mentally and emotionally. I just want to find my place. No matter what a person tells you, everyone wants to feel as of they belong. I have no such place. Sometimes I wonder if I even belong in my own marriage. I have been married for 3 very long and trying years and for the last two of them I felt alone. Everything comes before me no matter what the circumstance. I hate when he tries to make me feel like I am stupid. His words are empty and mean nothing to me. I am tired of the empty promises and the burden of all the fiscal responsibilities placed upon me. What is a girl to do with her back against the wall in so many areas and avenues in her life? If I didn't have music, I honestly do not know where I would be. Music has saved my life, my soul, my being. It has become my only place of comfort.