A Reckoning

What do I do with the love I know we share?

How will I get over you knowing you were the only one who truly cared?

Why can't I love myself the way I know I should?

Why did I allow things to just happen and for myself I never stood?

I'm as strong as they come and can get through any tough time,

Taking on the waves so fiercely never swept away with the tide.

I wear my brave face as if it were a shield for war,

Never let them see you sweat yet my insides are twisted to the core.

It's not okay to hurt people or play games with their hearts,

Open up, move on, shop again with a empty new cart.

A cart that was never kept occupied due to lies and manipulation,

I am existing within this world in a constant state of sedation. 

I live a lie, many lies, too many to even count,

I've spoken so many untruths that I have lost myself and live in a state of doubt.

I wish I could go back to that young girl who had a chance at life,

That little girl was full of wonder and curiosity I'd dissect with a knife.

A knife that I still yield today with mistruths and a false smile,

The only road I remember walking, the road that stretches beyond the miles.

There is no one to blame but myself and myself alone.

It is my fault that my heart has never truly had a home.

Will I be this way forever, will I ever change?

Will I ever have the ability to just accept my own name.

I resent who I am so deeply, the pain within is crushing my soul,

as if a monsoon has wiped away that little girl and as a woman I have grown cold.

My intentions are to never actually hurt anyone,

but who am I kidding, it never lasts because my lies revert them undone.

I fear that I will leave this earth and this is how I will be remembered,

The little girl who lost herself and whose lies never surrendered.