A-HA! Moment

"Getting back to me" is what I have been saying to myself the last year and a half, little did I know I had no idea who that was at the time nor do I believe I ever did. I attributed who I thought I was to the things I did and how I did them, but the reality of it was "Getting back to me" had nothing to do with the things I had but everything to do with the things I completely took for granted. What was I really trying to get back to? Between August 2014- July 2015 I was so completely lost. I made decisions that were beneficial to no one, I caused so much hurt to those around me by not being able to see how truly wrong I had been in prior situations. I believed whole heartedly that I deserved everything I once had simply because I once had it. I embodied a ridiculous sense of entitlement that I did not deserve. I think back to that time and am frightened by the person I was. Don't get me wrong there were moments of clarity amidst the chaos in my world, but not enough for me to see a completely clear path. I was not around the right people, I sold myself short professionally by not challenging myself, and I expected love from the very same people who never taught nor showed it to me in my life. I allowed new people into my life and gave them a piece of my trust that they did not deserve. I was judged, mocked, and under suspicion simply because I refused to let my guard completely down. I am glad I held so much so close to the chest because in the end those particular people truly did not have my best interest at heart.

On a whim I relocated to Kansas City, Missouri in search of that same sense of entitlement that I did not feel I needed to work for and boy did that backfire and backfire quickly. My first 3 months in the Midwest were one of the saddest points in my life. I was so low, so lost, and so alone. The word fear could not embody the true terror I felt inside. I walked around a shell of a human being for weeks. I was not productive and doing nothing conducive to obtain my stability. It took the "powers that be" to force me back into that mindset of a "Go-Getta." If it were not for the ugly intentions of those hoping to see me fail I would not have succeeded. I began getting out there hitting the pavement on my own, checking into every resource that I had to get to where I needed to be. I eventually found what I like to call a "Starter Job" working in a warehouse that helped me get into  my own apartment and begin to build from there. I am now working in a great job that I completely intend on making a long-term career that pays me very well with so much room for growth and advancement personally and professionally.

I finally see what I had been doing so wrong for so many years even before the date of my downward spiral. I simply expected something for nothing and that is just not how life works. I may not have everything I did before materialistically speaking but I have so much more insight into life, who I am, and what it takes to survive again.

I have survived incomprehensible circumstances as a child growing up, all it took was for me to tap back into that inner strength and resilience I have always possessed.