Sow In Faith?

Up watching digital TV because my cable doesn’t get installed until tomorrow but these pastors are RIDICULOUS! Sow $1,000 on your credit card you owe debt on and your debt will be wiped clean? Sow in faith. I am a believer but I DO NOT believe in giving your last when you need heat, I don’t believe in taking your rent and giving it to the church and YES the church you attend is a direct reflection of who you are and if the “ messenger “ is no good then I feel for you because your are being led in greed and phoniness. I believe in truth telling, living and loving all those around you, and respect for all. I don’t need to give anything other than my heart to God to be a child of his and blessed in abundance. A lot of these “Internet Prophets” will not prosper long. What may seem as a season of favor is really a delusion of granger because everyday is favorable to those who hold the beauty of a good heart ❤️ Period!

New Beginnings :)

New beginnings are the opportunities we are allowed to give. Ourself to rid our lives of the toxicity of the past. Admit it, we all have a past. It’s not everyone’s sines what that past is, its about where we are headed and not the ugliness we are leaving behind. You have to make decisions that are not easy and may have to become accustomed to a lifestyle you are not used to. I can honestly say that  I am actually happy and doing okay today. New Place, Been in my new career for 4 weeks now. It gets stressful at times but nonetheless I stay busy and nonetheless the days and weeks go by quickly. There is a lot to learn I am ready for it. I have learned a lot of patience and tolerance this last year. I've began to not sweat the small stuff and with that comes a lot of peace. Inever r Alize’s how much of myself was congested with irrelevant and insignificant small things. As that song says “Shake It Off”, and that’s exactly what I do. God will never let me fall. I have been in some pretty dark places but I’m still here. Those who have tried to break me, are annoyed with angst because I continue to flourish and push on. I hope one day they will see they missed out on getting to know who I am. I am my mothers daughter, and their distain for who I am runs so deep that the memory of my mother means nothing. I am still praying on it though. God will always have my back ;)

Thunderstorms and Wonders

As I sit here at almost 2am, listening to the rain and thunder in all its majestic wonders, my mind begins to take a hold of my very core. What do you do when you’ve truly done all you can? Do you continue on to prove you are not a quitter? Do you concede and feel like a failure? Or do you simply take it to the Lord in prayer? I have been trying to figure out which road to take for quite some time now. There are so many things I need to just let go of that my heart and mind won’t Allow. Whether its the betrayal of a family member or friend, loneliness and the fear of reaching out again, or feeling as if I will never be able to sustain a human connection. I am doing my best not to pigeon hold myself to one thing or the other but it just seems that I am living the definition of insanity, doing the same thing expecting different results.

I literally began dry cutting people off the last 2 years because my heart could no longer endure the pain that crept along with the continuous notion that it can all change. I realized I had to change myself first. Yes it is a lonely place to be mentally but Iwould rather deal with the loneliness
Than the pain I’ve felt based on the actions of others. I have to make myself happy and not feel guilty about it. I know I will never be the same again and that’s okay. When you are not changing you are not progressing as a person. Every day is a battle and my life is the war and that is not necessarily a bad thing. If everyday I win the battle, eventually the war within myself will end and believe me I will fight to the death to save myself.

I will no longer wait on anyone to change or accept who I am. I stopped caring about that a long time ago. As long as I am happy with the woman I have grown into that is all that matters. I will always carry the memories inside my heart but I cannot dwell daily on what was and focus my energy on what it is. I will not beg anyone to be there for me if they cannot or do not want to. I will not allow anyone to yell at me or berate me verbally because they believe they have that right. I shut that down before they get get their second sentence. I am no longer afraid to defend myself. My calm and my peace is essential and no one will take that away from me. The serenity I now carry is home to me, and my house shall not and will not be broken ever again.

Isolation & RealizationsI

Today I spent the day alone. I got a lot done and even exceeded my steps, but I found myself slipping deeper and deeper into this  curse of bi-polar depression, It was beginning to take over my mind, souk body, and spirit. It was then I knew I had to take control of the situation and begin to count my blessings. I placed pen and paper in hand and began to write down every good thing in my life and every positive thing about myself. As I began to read the list back to myself, I couldn’t comprehend how I ever doubted my own self worth to the point of darkness with no light ahead. I then began to think of those who decide to end their lives because they dont’t/ and or can’t see the light that brought me back from the end of that ledge and Iwonder why some see it and others simply cannot. That is something we will never know, something we wish we could have a full understanding

Of. Mental illness carries a stigma of weakness, unable to “just get over it”someone who just wants to mope and whine about life all day, but that couldn’t be further from the truth. Mental illness is as real of a medical condition as it gets. A lot of people do not know that Bi-Polar Depression is the #1 type of depression in successful suicides. Waking up living and functioning with this disease is a challenge but it is possible. If you are properly medicated and have a good team of medical professionals around you, you have a much higher chance of learning to live with the ups and owns and very extreme lows. Support from family and friends is a great thing too but can be tricky, You need to know who you can trust with such sensitive information and who you cant. There will be people in your life you will have to, as I say “Put on a shelf”. By saying so I am not stating that you discard them, just placing them in the correct category. You will have that small handful of people you can trust with this very complex area in your life, some you can talk to when you are just feeling down, and trust me we all need those good people in our lives who make us laugh, smile, and enjoy the small things. There will be those you may have to distance yourself from due to the nature of their toxicity in your life and I call those people the “Gone but not Forgotton” people On my shelf. Those are people who relish in your agony, you cannot trust them to keep it private, and they most certainly will influence you to do things you shouldn’t be when you are in the midst of your most vulnerable time. 

Mental illness is no joke. People of all backgrounds suffer from one form or another. So instead of making those afflicted feel even more isolated from the world, lets embrace the power of  love and acceptance and help fight for the cause and not against it. Big Pharma makes a lot of money off the backs of those who need this behavioral health care and we are nowhere near a system that works. As long as we don’t forget, the likelihood of better care and understanding will come much sooner than you think.