Thunderstorms and Wonders

As I sit here at almost 2am, listening to the rain and thunder in all its majestic wonders, my mind begins to take a hold of my very core. What do you do when you’ve truly done all you can? Do you continue on to prove you are not a quitter? Do you concede and feel like a failure? Or do you simply take it to the Lord in prayer? I have been trying to figure out which road to take for quite some time now. There are so many things I need to just let go of that my heart and mind won’t Allow. Whether its the betrayal of a family member or friend, loneliness and the fear of reaching out again, or feeling as if I will never be able to sustain a human connection. I am doing my best not to pigeon hold myself to one thing or the other but it just seems that I am living the definition of insanity, doing the same thing expecting different results.

I literally began dry cutting people off the last 2 years because my heart could no longer endure the pain that crept along with the continuous notion that it can all change. I realized I had to change myself first. Yes it is a lonely place to be mentally but Iwould rather deal with the loneliness
Than the pain I’ve felt based on the actions of others. I have to make myself happy and not feel guilty about it. I know I will never be the same again and that’s okay. When you are not changing you are not progressing as a person. Every day is a battle and my life is the war and that is not necessarily a bad thing. If everyday I win the battle, eventually the war within myself will end and believe me I will fight to the death to save myself.

I will no longer wait on anyone to change or accept who I am. I stopped caring about that a long time ago. As long as I am happy with the woman I have grown into that is all that matters. I will always carry the memories inside my heart but I cannot dwell daily on what was and focus my energy on what it is. I will not beg anyone to be there for me if they cannot or do not want to. I will not allow anyone to yell at me or berate me verbally because they believe they have that right. I shut that down before they get get their second sentence. I am no longer afraid to defend myself. My calm and my peace is essential and no one will take that away from me. The serenity I now carry is home to me, and my house shall not and will not be broken ever again.