Will Christmas ever be the same for me? I know that I am not the only person on earth going through hard times right now, but when you are in that pain you truly feel alone. I  keep telling myself I am going to quit trying. I continue to ask myself is it worth the immense pain that I put myself through? It doesn't feel that way any longer. I am worth more than this three and a half year punishment that has been placed upon me. I word it in that form because it could have been resolved more than once but the other side refuses to come to any commonality, Maybe that's why I get so mad at celebrities when they wanna get mad and tweet about dumb shit when they have access too get all the help in all the areas they need with in their lives. I am limited as an ordinary citizen to what I have access too and what I can even do for myself.

It is Christmas and I haven't received a gift from my own husband. I made our Thanksgiving a real one by purchasing all the food and he did the cooking. I am the one who has made  all the effort this Christmas and I all I was able to do was order an $89 pair of boots that I will receive by the end of the week. I am grateful that I work hard enough to have and keep the essentials in my own home and pay bills. I have a new car (2018) and am doing well with that. But, is it so bad to just want my husband to get off of call of duty for hours on end, not allow football control his entire days, have him want to go anywhere with me? I am not asking for much. I am trying my hardest. He needs to realize its just going to be the two of us and we have to learn to enjoy one another and be even closer, and work that much harder to keep our marriage together. I named my 4 things that are non negotiable in our daily lives and he (as predicted) became defensive and gave me no plan or ide of how he is going to "Change" things "This time". I have heard this so many times before and his words carry no weight.

Made A Way Cover by Juzang

https://youtu.be/hxiNlza_hLQ

I just have to tell myself that God will make a way and at least I know that if I speak it, it shall be

Grown & Petty

Petty: of little importance; trivial.

Its amazing to me how a word with such a short and sweet definition could change a persons entire moral compass (if they ever even had one).  I know we all have that desire in us to want to retaliate or get back at someone but most of us choose not to do so because we think before we act. I have seen and learned throughout my prior use of social media how severely extreme pettiness has become. People are using screen shots of others to post on various platforms to make jokes and to harm the other individuals character. It has become such a problem you can now attribute small petty behavior to the suicidal ideations of the ones they hurt. When something is out there, it is out. It is very hard to ignore what is right in front of your face day after day. 

I made the conscious decision to walk completely away from the petty behavior of those on social media. I deactivated my Facebook account almost a year ago now and I have never felt more free. I don't feel as if I have to compete with anyone, feel sorrow because I may be struggling more than the next person, and I have grown a real sense of self awareness that I have never had. I see a lot of memes that glorify being petty and it makes me want to vomit. The words pretty and petty may look similar but there is nothing attractive about being a petty individual. As Michelle Obama coined the term "When they go low, we go high." I truly believe that. If we go low, and they go lower, we are both headed on a downward spiral of ugliness. That is a ride I do not want to be on and refuse to engage in.

Rise above the nonsense. Stop trying so hard to prove you are a "Queen B" or a "Bad B" by acting petty. All that displays is your inability to be an adult and make sound decisions for yourself. Most of the men and women you see displaying this behavior are those who have families and are over the age of 25. You would think that by that point a persons priorities would be in line, but apparently that is not the case.  What example are you setting for your children that you chose to bring into this world? What example are you setting to your parents who may have you raised you to be better than that? An what example are you setting to strangers who may not know the good of you and are only exposed to the pettiness within you? 

Actions have consequences, and Karma..... well, she plays dirty too.

Retrospect (A Poem)

Beginning again, again, and again,

I never thought that in my life it would end.

The cycle of lies beneath the cloak of hate,

all I needed was a clean slate.

Stuck within the madness within my own soul,

everyday passing by I'd lose myself, grow cold.

watching you live and build yourself up while standing upon my back,

little did I realize that the day was coming, you were plotting to act.

To act against me in the most egregious way,

not allowing me to love my daughter, not allowing me to stay.

Be the part of her life that no woman could ever be,

no matter how deep and dark you may try to bury me.

I will always be her mother no matter where I am on this earth,

she knows the truth, too young to understand my own pain and girth.

This child will grow into a young woman and ask about the truth,

what are you going to tell her? you cant continue the lies based upon your charade as the "Good Guy" and I "The Rouse"

You knew of all my weaknesses, you knew of all my hurts,

you knew the things that pained me, you pried them out in spurts.

I hated telling you the truth about my feelings because something inside me did not trust you,

but you made me feel as if I could, back then if only I knew.

Today is a new day, I have grown into someone you do not know,

You are still struggling with hate and guilt piled upon you like a monsoon of snow.

I wake up every day and choose to do what is hard, not to do what the world would like.

I rise and shine everyday and hop on a different bike.

A bike I haven't ridden yet, a bike that has no miles,

so I can continue to rewrite the story of my journey with love and a smile.

A smile I will not wipe off of my face because of the pains of my past,

but a smile that will shine bright as the nights stars and in my heart forever last.