Let Go And Let God

"As soon as I start wondering, wondering how the story ends, I just let go and let God, Let God have is way."
 I begin with that quote from a beautiful gospel song I like to listen to. Sometimes we sit and worry so much about life and the things and behaviors we cannot control. I know that anything that involves human relationships can be sticky, tricky, and complicated, and its on us to hold tight to our moral values in those situations. We have to be the ones to take responsibility of moving forward and moving on from toxic situations. I have come a very long way since 2014, I no longer need help nor validation of self to get through my day. People will be people and if that is not conducive to my mental health and well being then I know that's God revealing to me to move forward. I am not afraid to move on in any situation. I will walk away from a high paying second job if the environment and the people are not worth it. I do not believe in living in the gray area or that there even is one, I see things very black and white. You either are or aren't, you either can or cannot, and you're either loyal or disloyal. I just don't see how people allow so much "wiggle" room in their lives when you only get one. I did it because I wanted my family to love me as a child, but I learned very quickly over the years as I grew into a young woman that there is nothing you can do nor say to a person who hates you for a reason you will never understand nor identify with. 

I learned to just focus on myself and what I need to do to stay on top of my game and honestly, simply allow myself to be happy amidst the pain I have endured. I am not placing blame on any one individual but I am also not taking the blame that has been placed upon me in certain situations, You can't wait for someone to forgive you. You have to forgive yourself! Forgive yourself as God forgives our sins, and pray for the hearts of those who refuse to see who you are and have become. You cannot change those people, but you can change yourself. Its up to you and what you want in your life. I choose, stability and a sense of joy that will lead to day to day happiness.

I am 35 years old as of This past Saturday, February 23rd, 2019! And you know what? I feel great!!

#GHOSTIN

For me letting go and moving on is something I am eerily familiar with. Does it bother me that here I am once again in the same position? Yes, it does. I self evaluate, I look into myself and I can see where I am flawed. I know when I am wrong and I own it. What I do not and absolutely will not own is someone else's total lack of knowledge when it comes to human decency. Someone who is so quick to dismiss a friendship and not fight for it on moral ground, let alone empathize with the other person. Why would you expect me to adhere to some random rules made by a new person in your life when a person wont even step in my shoes for 5 minutes to see it from my prospective?

So yes, I will not hold back my thoughts and you will get the full, and I mean full assertiveness that I possess when it comes to protecting my heart and my very own moral compass. Life just doesn't work that way. I would rather have one good friend for years than 10 shady ones that go "Ghost" on me based on the convenience of their own selfish lives. 

Short entry, but I needed to speak very clearly as to why I had to walk away from a friendship that I was actually pushed out of.

Loyal To A "T"...... Well, May Be My True Fault.....

When someone makes a change in their life of their choosing, and tells you nothing will change between the two of you (like friendship), it is a lie. Things will always change and they will change drastically (of course in only the way the party affected sees). In my current melodrama with my used to be good friend he doesn't read or return text messages any longer, he surely doesn't pick up the phone to call. He acts strange when he does text and he always seems like he is bothered by me. Yeah, I call and sometimes we laugh but I am nobody's tap dancing slave on a corner. I am person too. One thing I am not going  to do is have another conversation with him about how he has changed. There is no point to it and he will not see it. I have made the conscious decision beginning today February 11, 2019 at 6:50 am Central time to not call, not text, not initiate the communication any longer and see if we even still have a friendship. I hope for the best but I know better and have been through this before with others. I am always that "Go-To" pass by friend everyone uses for that so-called "finding myself" period of their lives. I will no longer be there for these times when these very same individuals cannot be there for mine.

We are already living in a time that will be remembered throughout history as one of the most disloyal, sad, and selfish I have ever seen in my short yet almost 35 years of life. With my once good friend, I know it is drawing near that I let it go. If you are nervous to call someone because their girlfriend of 6 weeks will be upset, that is not a healthy situation. It's disappointing because he made it a point to tell me that nothing will change, that he had isolated friends before and made the same mistakes and swore he would never do that again. Well he has done it to me. I am not in that inner circle of people. I don't know his family and I don't do his niece's hair. But, when he needed a friend, a shoulder, I was there. I never allow anyone into my life that cannot accept who is in my life and does not know how to be a friend back to me. I believe that the words "Friend" and "Love" are often used too much in today's society without real meaning. I have been through a lot in life so I am loyal to a "T", NOT to a fault. I had to learn the hard way that loyalty is not always give, give...… It is very much give and take for granted. 

I have learned to place people on a shelf as if they were books in a library. Some people stay on the shelf, collect dust, erode, and are never removed. Others are placed in different categories, are taken off the shelf for different reasons, seasons, and feelings at the time. Not everyone rots and dies. I had to create this imaginary yet very real place so I could lift that heavy burden of sadness off of me, those many questions of "why?" that cluttered my mind night after night. If people are not going to be loyal to me, or at least show respect, then I must take control, protect my heart and be that person who decides who and what behavior is allowed in my life. It was and still is a very liberating experience. I will say that it has been hard with this latest friendship gone awry, but this too shall pass. Love yourself first and always because if you don't have compassion for your own heart how will you even know how to SHOW compassion to others? And that readers (or reader) is what people who use your heart don't have. They lack compassion. Anyone can fake empathy by saying the right words, but compassion requires heart and action. How many people do you know truly have that?