Isolation & RealizationsI

Today I spent the day alone. I got a lot done and even exceeded my steps, but I found myself slipping deeper and deeper into this  curse of bi-polar depression, It was beginning to take over my mind, souk body, and spirit. It was then I knew I had to take control of the situation and begin to count my blessings. I placed pen and paper in hand and began to write down every good thing in my life and every positive thing about myself. As I began to read the list back to myself, I couldn’t comprehend how I ever doubted my own self worth to the point of darkness with no light ahead. I then began to think of those who decide to end their lives because they dont’t/ and or can’t see the light that brought me back from the end of that ledge and Iwonder why some see it and others simply cannot. That is something we will never know, something we wish we could have a full understanding

Of. Mental illness carries a stigma of weakness, unable to “just get over it”someone who just wants to mope and whine about life all day, but that couldn’t be further from the truth. Mental illness is as real of a medical condition as it gets. A lot of people do not know that Bi-Polar Depression is the #1 type of depression in successful suicides. Waking up living and functioning with this disease is a challenge but it is possible. If you are properly medicated and have a good team of medical professionals around you, you have a much higher chance of learning to live with the ups and owns and very extreme lows. Support from family and friends is a great thing too but can be tricky, You need to know who you can trust with such sensitive information and who you cant. There will be people in your life you will have to, as I say “Put on a shelf”. By saying so I am not stating that you discard them, just placing them in the correct category. You will have that small handful of people you can trust with this very complex area in your life, some you can talk to when you are just feeling down, and trust me we all need those good people in our lives who make us laugh, smile, and enjoy the small things. There will be those you may have to distance yourself from due to the nature of their toxicity in your life and I call those people the “Gone but not Forgotton” people On my shelf. Those are people who relish in your agony, you cannot trust them to keep it private, and they most certainly will influence you to do things you shouldn’t be when you are in the midst of your most vulnerable time. 

Mental illness is no joke. People of all backgrounds suffer from one form or another. So instead of making those afflicted feel even more isolated from the world, lets embrace the power of  love and acceptance and help fight for the cause and not against it. Big Pharma makes a lot of money off the backs of those who need this behavioral health care and we are nowhere near a system that works. As long as we don’t forget, the likelihood of better care and understanding will come much sooner than you think.

My Peace: The Art of Letting Go

A man who isnt afraid to walk out on you, doesn't deserve to have you. A man is a person of compassion and integrity, not a person who will make you cry and beg for a mili-second of his time when you have done nothing wrong. A real man doent's put friends and associates before you instead of repairing the damage he caused within his own marriage. Those are the actions of an overgrown manboy stuck in the mindset of a millennial. It's time to let you go my friend and I need to do it for myself. The sleepless nights, uncertainty,  loneliness, weight loss, heartache, sadness,  and fear is too much to bear. I'm just a Cali girl living in this messed up Midwest world and I'm tired of being put last on the list. My vows were sacred to me, you uttered yours to get what you wanted. I wear my ring with pride and honor while yours lay stuck between the couch cushion where it fell out your pocket. You hate me, you love me, which one will it Be? When I needed you the most even the nurses kept you away from my room for the way you were treating me? What did I do to deserve this, how could you leave me so empty, then I realized it was easy to do for sidechicks you had plenty. Don't come crawling back to me when the next one uses you to tear you down, just remember I was the one who respected you as  man, my husband,  my king, honey l allowed you to wear the crown.

The Light That Never Dims

Abigail at age 8

6 Months Old

2 Days Old 

Wrapped up like a little 9 lb burrito

Easter Sunday Best - Albuquerque, NM Zoo

Smart, beautiful, and Intelligent Middle  School Kiddo!

If you were to ask me a year and a half ago that I would be where I am today I would've laughed you clear out of this room. But It Is Real! God has been good to me. Yes, I have had my medical ups and downs, suffered from severe lows and the greatest of highs but one thing that has remained a constant for me is the Love I have for my Abigail, my daughter, my love, my heart, my reason to fight and never give up. She is the most amazing person I know. She gives without expecting anything in return, her heart is pure and open to all people, and her mind, oh that beautiful mind, remains filled with intellect, wonders, and dreams she has a written out plan to achieve. God has blessed me with this One child and I now know why. She is the light of the world to me of course and I truly believe she will bring love, light, and extraordinary discoveries to  the world and all of you.

xoxo,

Proud Mom :) 

Ode To Bulimia

Here I am, naked bare,

exposed to my core, hiding no more,

bulimia is her name and she consumes my every thought,

my soul has been sold and bought.

Bulimia go away,

my teeth, you took them they did not stay.

Employers run they think I am on drugs,

I am stepped on and walked over as if I were a used rug.

Smiling is something Ii just simply do not do,

in fear of what those around me say about the when, where, why, and who.

I can't be myself, I am a recluse.

I don't bother going out, I remain an elusive chanteuse. 

I say I don't care what people say about me but I really do,

in the back of my mind I wonder if some one will understand, will it be you?

I wish I had my life back bulimia, the one I had before you,

I wasn't happy then, I am not happy now, I am stuck, what is that I do?

Why Worry?

Learning to love this girl was and always will be a battle. When people ask me what I feel my "Purpose" is to do in this life, I simply reply with , "To Survive with resilience and dignity." Life is much to short to be worried about the contents of the next mans life. Prayer is the foundation on which I stand and if you're going to pray don't worry, and if you're going to worry don't pray." I know it's a lot easier said than done but when you live a faith driven life it's really just that simple. I myself am guilty of allowing the worry bug take over me, its only natural, but I do not let it consume me. For example, I was working a job that set goals , guidelines, and a timeframe in which conversions over to the actual company would be allotted. With great attendance, productivity, knowledge, and quality I was a for sure candidate once the hours required were met for consideration per this particular companies policies. The time came and passed yet I still hung on, waited, and continued to prove myself. I then began to wonder, worry and ask questions. I would periodically check in with my immediate supervisor to inquire and continued to get the "Wait and see" response, so I did just that. Finally, I asked for a meeting to discuss my worries and concerns, the hours were stacking up, the environment was no longer one that was conducive to my health all around and there were yet still no answers (by this time I had been there well over the required time). I decided it was time to reflect on my options and make the decision that was best for me, and that was to walk away. That wasn't something I wanted being that I had invested so much of myself into this job, yet it was something that needed to be done, so I put in my two weeks, revamped my resume, and by the grace of God and the blessing of opportunity I did find another position that was much more beneficial economically and environmentally. All that worrying I had subjected myself to did nothing for me but make matters worse. I had to remind myself of my self worth and use that as motivation to get back out there and make it happen. It took many years to realize the woman I am today, my purpose. Letting go of past angers and  hurt did me a world of good and genuinely I can say I feel better for it. No longer do  I carry the burden of the angst and sorrow that once was, no longer do I suffer sleepless nights, and no longer do I cry every holiday just to purposely make myself miserable. I know I have done all I can and its now in the hands of the lord. Not everyday I am a shining beam of sunshine but everyday I get up with my head held high in remembrance of that purpose driven little girl who grew up in Oceanside knowing there would be more for me. No weapon formed against me shall prosper and I forgive those who have caused me pain in hopes hat I am forgiven as well, for we all want to be forgiven by our King when it's all said and done.

Purpose

What is the purpose of hating me when you truly hate yourself, you used me for 10 yrs in reach of your own selfish comfortable wealth. You uttered amongst the worst of words to describe who i am, but the picture you paint is the one of yourself created to invade my life like spam.

What is that you seek to gain from all of this you do? When in actuality your hate for me has reasons less than few. You're hurting your own flesh and blood as everyday goes by, you may not see it now but in 6 years dont wonder why.

Why I've closed my heart and locked it with a key, you cant place blame any longer i have to protect me. It hurts to have to not think about the situation at hand, but my distance from it all is the only way I can continue to stand.

I can no longer lay miserable and take the attacks from you. Just remember in 6 yrs this is what you chose to do.

Untitled

In a world filled with compassion and love, it skips me.

Success in encouraged. I reach it, yet I am empty.

Rejected by all due to the fear of the unknown, not given a a chance for reasons to me that haven't been shown.

Cats away, left out, discarded removed.

Again and again I keep telling myself in time it will prove.

But, time has come and gone and facts are what they may, my heart will always be cast on a shelf left in disarray.

I wrote that Poem September 17th, 2012 and in a real twist of things I still feel that way sometimes. 

Spite? And the point of that is... ?

Vengeful, mean, cruel, rancorous. Spiteful, revengeful, vindictive refer to a desire to inflict a wrong or injury on someone, usually in return for one received. Spiteful implies a mean or malicious desire for (often petty) revenge: a spiteful attitude toward a former friend, lover or spouse.

What is the point of hurting someone just because they did not appease you in a way you desired. It doesn't have to be a sexual thing or anything romantic. It can be a decision you made, a person you chose to love, a relocation to advance your career, or your need to simply find peace of mind and rid yourself of the toxicity in your life. Believe it or not there are people who will do and say things to hurt and harm you merely out of spite. Sometimes it's when they say nothing at all and simply refuse to be amicable or mature about whatever situation they feel you put them in to inconvenience their life. If there is anything that I have learned is to never feel guilty for making the right choices for yourself and those you love. No you don't deserve the spiteful things other may do or say to and/or about you, continue on with your journey. 

Never doubt the power of your words

All you can do is try.... and try you should :)

ME..........Trying ;-)

And Then It Finally Clicked...

There's nothing like that feeling when it finally all clicks in your head. When you finally understand exactly why a certain thing is a certain way.  I will never forget the day 5 years ago when my then therapist K. Genevieve Davidge spoke to me "You just have one of those personalities where it will always be difficult to make friends and have relationships of meaning." I truly believed the moment she spoke those words that was my Aha! moment and allowed that one statement to control my life for years until I realized; Wait! I do have the ability to maintain friendships I just hold a higher standard of people (the same standards I hold for myself) to be kind , decent, and sincerely care about the other individual and/or the person I call a friend. The pattern that I have been seeing is people (well, first off think I am in my twenties immediately) and begin to make assumptions about who I am before they've ever uttered a single word to me. They don't understand how I could possible be black, female, born into poverty but can somehow speak well, convey myself with decency, and carry myself with pride. To other girls like myself who grew up in unfortunate circumstances there is a very distinct line, those of us who "made it out" and those who never left the block we grew up on. I left and in a sense never looked back. I never felt I was leaving a place that was good to me or for me. My memories of California were so horrendous I couldn't wait for my first opportunity to leave. I truly believe that my Grandmother did the best she could trying to instill love, but she had her own demons and I could only imagine what it was like to lose her daughter (my mother) at the precious young age of 16. I raised myself. As i learned what a book was and the endless possibilities and worlds I could escape to everyday my love of words began to blossom. It's not about what you say, its how you say it, and from that moment on there was no stopping me. I began to speak well, use my words and choose my words wisely. I found a way how to stay true to my inner introvert yet stand out from the rest. I began to notice my 'Family" look at me differently, begin to exclude me from their world more often, and me, slipping further and further away from the truth I already knew but was afraid to face, My mother's family. After I graduated high school in the state of Texas where I lived at the time of my senior year to take care of my grandmother I never Looked back. The next 11 years of my life had it's ups and downs. The most glorious time within that entire time frame was giving birth and raising my beautiful Daughter Abigail. The last two years of my life can only be described as a time I merely existed. The hurt, shame and guilt were beyond overwhelming. The fact that I am still here and persevering is only the work of the Lord. I wouldn't know where to begin with my testimony, just know that me simply breathing is nothing but his Grace and Mercy.

Grace - Tasha Cobbs

A Purpose Driven Life

All is Done In His Good, For Ours.........

Having to accept the fact that my body at the age of 32 will no longer be capable of bearing children is devastating to me. There are moments where I think I can deal with it and others when I feel as if I am going to completely fall a part. But in life what can you do? You have to accept things and find the best way to deal. I am grateful for my faith because without that I would be completely lost and without guidance. I don't expect everyone to understand or even agree with me but I know my plan on earth is bigger, my purpose greater, this is now my opportunity to tap into my inner self and blossom from there. I believe, do you?

What Are We Doing?

July 2016 Independence, MO

Just a Cali Girl living in a Midwest World

What Are We Doing?

I find myself these days trying to figure out what my purpose is on this earth. So much death and destruction, sadness and heartache, you can lose perspective very easy.  I feel as if I am in limbo. No matter how hard I try nothing ever really sticks. I always find myself in some aspect of my life having to start over again. All I have ever yearned for in my life was consistency and stability. I don't remember having that growing up as a child so I have always striven to accomplish that in my own right. I did so for 10  good years but the environment was all wrong. Sometimes having to lose it all or walking away from it is the best thing. To most I had the "ideal" situation, little did they know the real turmoil I felt inside. The one thing the last 2 years has taught me is the sheer will and determination I have to always land on my feet . Everything happens just as it is supposed to happen. Nothing happens without a true reason. There will be times when we all question that but we have to believe and have faith. There are so many things I myself wish I could rationalize but its simply not possible. I am always wondering what is the deal with me and people? Why is it so hard for me to maintain a friendship with someone? Is it because I have very low tolerance for bullshit or because I have a high expectation of what a friend actually is. I'm not asking anyone to prove themselves worthy of me, that is insane, I am not God. I simply ask to be treated and given the same courtesies that I give to another. What I will no longer do is waste another single  minute on anyone who does not understand what it means to be a decent human being let alone a friend. I will not hesitate to cut someone completely out of my life if they bring toxicity into it. I know I have trust issues, but in today's world who doesn't?  
Life is simply too short and precious to dwell on the what ifs, we have to just live. Living is the key to happiness. I know that sounds simple enough but for a long time I was merely existing and not living. I had to learn how to live again and everyday I learn a new way to appreciate the beauty around me.