A Purpose Driven Life

All is Done In His Good, For Ours.........

Having to accept the fact that my body at the age of 32 will no longer be capable of bearing children is devastating to me. There are moments where I think I can deal with it and others when I feel as if I am going to completely fall a part. But in life what can you do? You have to accept things and find the best way to deal. I am grateful for my faith because without that I would be completely lost and without guidance. I don't expect everyone to understand or even agree with me but I know my plan on earth is bigger, my purpose greater, this is now my opportunity to tap into my inner self and blossom from there. I believe, do you?

What Are We Doing?

July 2016 Independence, MO

Just a Cali Girl living in a Midwest World

What Are We Doing?

I find myself these days trying to figure out what my purpose is on this earth. So much death and destruction, sadness and heartache, you can lose perspective very easy.  I feel as if I am in limbo. No matter how hard I try nothing ever really sticks. I always find myself in some aspect of my life having to start over again. All I have ever yearned for in my life was consistency and stability. I don't remember having that growing up as a child so I have always striven to accomplish that in my own right. I did so for 10  good years but the environment was all wrong. Sometimes having to lose it all or walking away from it is the best thing. To most I had the "ideal" situation, little did they know the real turmoil I felt inside. The one thing the last 2 years has taught me is the sheer will and determination I have to always land on my feet . Everything happens just as it is supposed to happen. Nothing happens without a true reason. There will be times when we all question that but we have to believe and have faith. There are so many things I myself wish I could rationalize but its simply not possible. I am always wondering what is the deal with me and people? Why is it so hard for me to maintain a friendship with someone? Is it because I have very low tolerance for bullshit or because I have a high expectation of what a friend actually is. I'm not asking anyone to prove themselves worthy of me, that is insane, I am not God. I simply ask to be treated and given the same courtesies that I give to another. What I will no longer do is waste another single  minute on anyone who does not understand what it means to be a decent human being let alone a friend. I will not hesitate to cut someone completely out of my life if they bring toxicity into it. I know I have trust issues, but in today's world who doesn't?  
Life is simply too short and precious to dwell on the what ifs, we have to just live. Living is the key to happiness. I know that sounds simple enough but for a long time I was merely existing and not living. I had to learn how to live again and everyday I learn a new way to appreciate the beauty around me.

A Mother's Love

"I pray you'll be alright, and watch us where we go, and tell us to be wise in times when we don't know. Let this be our prayer, as we go our way. Lead us to a place, guide us with your grace, to a place where we'll be safe." - The Prayer

There is NO GREATER LOVE than the love a parent has for their child. No matter the circumstance or the unfortunate happenings a piece of you will always be with that child and a piece of that child will always be with you. That is the only comfort I afford myself these days knowing that a large part of me is no longer a part of my day to day existence. Some days are easier than others but there is never a day that goes by where she is forgotten. I have to have faith and believe she knows inside herself that I love her. There is too much history there to just diminish the relationship.

I think the first step I have to take is to forgive her father the damage he has caused that can never be undone, time I can never get back, time I have lost with my daughter. I miss the simple things we used to do together. At night after her father would go to work I would hear the tip toe of her feet and peek into my door to watch Golden Girls with me. We would lay in bed and listen to music, it was usually Enya: The Essential Collection, or any Michael Buble, or Josh Groban. She has always been a special kid. She was interested in things other than social media and technology, all she wanted was to play games, read, and make her parents happy. All she wanted was love and I loved her more than I think she could handle. I was too rigid and I think that is where I went wrong on so many levels. If I could go back and change that I would, I'd do anything but I can't.

All I can do is live with the pain until she comes back to me. There is nothing I can do except continue my efforts of reason and live everyday to better myself to be an example for her

Trump Terrified

I don't think the American people truly believe that Donald J. Trump may actually be our President, our Commander In Chief, Our countries representative across the united nations. Scary thought  right? I know his supporters believe that he is a "breath of fresh air", Isn't afraid to tell it like it is, and has the confidence and or arrogance to stand against the GOP. For that I will give credit where credit is due. But we as people have to be careful of the traps we fall into. I know his allure and appeal excite the average frustrated American, but we cant allow our excitement and glee overshadow our common sense. 

This political season has me completely saddened. I am morally conflicted between the lesser of two evils. I will NEVER vote Republican but even on the democratic side its a freak show. I think both Hillary Clinton and Bernie Sanders will make it to the White House and keep not one promise they are preaching now. To me all politics is about is creating and preserving a family legacy. There is nothing any of these candidates can tell me to put my worries at ease. In the morning I still have to get up and be a functioning member of society, pay bills, and stress financially. Nothing they do or say can change that fact.  I am just disappointed in the way society has made it extremely difficult to keep your head above water. Actions speak so much louder than words and that is what I will miss about President Barack H. Obama. He was truly about the people and improved our great country in so many ways, and did it with such grace and compassion. 

I do not know what may lay ahead for America but to sum it all up in one word, I am TERRIFIED!

Behind The Screen (Whatever Happened)

Whatever happened to compassion?
when we genuinely cared for one another.
instead we post 140 characters, hide behind a screen,
with anonymity and undercover?
Whatever happened to keeping your word?
When your word was all you had.
Instead we spew venom, hate, & lies,
along with our narcissistic views gone mad.
We scroll and judge, and judge and scroll without even a second thought.
Failing to realize we've abandoned ourselves and the devil our soul has been bought.
The pain and hurt, sorrows and grief, we see amongst those we know,
instead of taking a moment to truly be a friend we subliminally post our uneducated "thought" on the matter for that moment to shine or to glow.
The comfort of your life should not be based upon the struggle of another,
when all you have to do is reach out a hand, lift them up, and be their sister or brother.
The struggle you see one man going through should never be his alone,
a person should never feel as if they don't have a place to call home.
When did we as people stop being, honest, and just another pea in the pod,
and completely have abandoned that we should always reflect and remember we are made in the image of GOD.

All Rights & Publishing Beyondwordz Publishing LLC

A-HA! Moment

"Getting back to me" is what I have been saying to myself the last year and a half, little did I know I had no idea who that was at the time nor do I believe I ever did. I attributed who I thought I was to the things I did and how I did them, but the reality of it was "Getting back to me" had nothing to do with the things I had but everything to do with the things I completely took for granted. What was I really trying to get back to? Between August 2014- July 2015 I was so completely lost. I made decisions that were beneficial to no one, I caused so much hurt to those around me by not being able to see how truly wrong I had been in prior situations. I believed whole heartedly that I deserved everything I once had simply because I once had it. I embodied a ridiculous sense of entitlement that I did not deserve. I think back to that time and am frightened by the person I was. Don't get me wrong there were moments of clarity amidst the chaos in my world, but not enough for me to see a completely clear path. I was not around the right people, I sold myself short professionally by not challenging myself, and I expected love from the very same people who never taught nor showed it to me in my life. I allowed new people into my life and gave them a piece of my trust that they did not deserve. I was judged, mocked, and under suspicion simply because I refused to let my guard completely down. I am glad I held so much so close to the chest because in the end those particular people truly did not have my best interest at heart.

On a whim I relocated to Kansas City, Missouri in search of that same sense of entitlement that I did not feel I needed to work for and boy did that backfire and backfire quickly. My first 3 months in the Midwest were one of the saddest points in my life. I was so low, so lost, and so alone. The word fear could not embody the true terror I felt inside. I walked around a shell of a human being for weeks. I was not productive and doing nothing conducive to obtain my stability. It took the "powers that be" to force me back into that mindset of a "Go-Getta." If it were not for the ugly intentions of those hoping to see me fail I would not have succeeded. I began getting out there hitting the pavement on my own, checking into every resource that I had to get to where I needed to be. I eventually found what I like to call a "Starter Job" working in a warehouse that helped me get into  my own apartment and begin to build from there. I am now working in a great job that I completely intend on making a long-term career that pays me very well with so much room for growth and advancement personally and professionally.

I finally see what I had been doing so wrong for so many years even before the date of my downward spiral. I simply expected something for nothing and that is just not how life works. I may not have everything I did before materialistically speaking but I have so much more insight into life, who I am, and what it takes to survive again.

I have survived incomprehensible circumstances as a child growing up, all it took was for me to tap back into that inner strength and resilience I have always possessed.