Jesus Is The Reason For The Season

Merry Christmas is the thing to say this morning. What we must remember is the meaning behind the day. We are not alone for he is with us, he is aware of everything, so please for a moment today simply be still and know God is your peace. Christmas, well every holiday has become easier and easier to bear since that day. The beauty is, my heart has a heart. God is the other heart protecting me from consistent pain and allowing me to feel the joy and love I am entitled to as I continue on with my journey.

I am simply just thankful to be here in a good place and a good space and God is the reason for it all. I fall to my knees in praise for all he has blessed me and my family with this year and as log as we continue to serve our Lord faithfully and true those blessings will continue.

Merry Christmas! And remember JESUS IS THE REASON :) 

"It's Okay" Letter to Self

Dear Self,

It's Okay to not be okay all the time. Life will always throw you for loops and you never know when they are coming. You have been through so much in your life and you should not be so hard on yourself. You have been hurt, burdened, broken down and shattered, but every single. time you got back up and regained your strength to pull through. You have lost things that can be replaced such as cars, homes, phones and other materialistic items. The loss that cannot ever be replaced are those that are not of the material value. Some human relationships need to be lost. That contact needs to be severed because of the toxicity surrounding it. But, there are those relationships that you needed and were taken from you in the most barbaric and hateful ways imaginable. Those are years you can never get back, joy you will never feel, and memories you will never have. All you can do is move forward as you have, as hard as it has been, and as long as it has taken for you to get to this healthy place you are in now. It's okay to not have close friends. Its a lonely place to be when you have regained all the material things you once lost but have no one to share it with. That hurts. It hurts more than people know. You scroll through your phone and have no one to call. The few people that you can call don't answer. You feel as if you are merely a Monday - Friday Friend and it hurts. It doesn't take long to realize who a person is and if you need them in your life. You are a born fighter. You have a sense about people immediately and you know when they are full of it. You may entertain their games for a minute, but you are smart and know better than to get even a millimeter closer. You are smart, bright, intelligent and beautiful. People envy who and what they do not understand. You. know your worth and you will not settle fro anything less than that. You put your all into everything that you do and if the powers that be don't see it, it is simply their loss. Do not feel afraid for you know that your God is with you. He has carried you through the times when walking was unimaginable, he stood beside you when your strength needed to shine, and he believed in you when you did not believe in your own abilities. Faith is the foundation upon which you stand beautiful young woman. God is your guide and Faith is your sight.

What's Going On?

What is going on? We have children being killed in places that are supposed to be deemed safe, our black men being killed day in and day out, and grade schoolers committing suicide due to bullying. These times you and I are living in will not be remembered fondly. We are the country that is supposed to help the poor, the weak, the refugee, and the hungry, what happened to that? Now we are building walls, spewing hate rhetoric, not holding ourselves accountable when we have done wrong. Do you remember the days when you did something wrong you were actually afraid of the teacher calling home? I do. Nowadays kids taunt their teacher's and know they can go home and tell a tall lie with no repercussions. When did all this become normal? I am not going to blame this all on "45" but he definitely has done nothing to help it and everything to add fire to an already rapidly burning flame. Everyday on the news there is one tragedy after the next. Are we wrong for becoming numb to it? Is it just horrible that we come expect lies and mistruths? We should not allow this to become the norm. We must not live in complacency and act as if none of this affects us as long as it doesn't touch our home and personal lives. What if it does? What would you do? Wouldn't you like the very same empathy that you lack to be felt for you in your time of sadness an grief?`

Economically the playing field for my people (black people) has never been equal, but in today's society it couldn't be more far a part. I cant even go to the hospital without being in a frantic state of worry over the costs up front and the bill afterwards. I have been a contributing, working, tax paying citizen since the day I was legally allowed to be, yet someone who does not work and is very much able to receives cheap or free housing, free Medical insurance in the form of Medicaid if they have children (which most do), and to add the sprinkles on top receive Food Stamps up to 900+ dollars a month. My tax dollars pay for that yet I pay full rent, A Co-Pay every single time I am sick or ill, and if there is leftovers to put the basic essential food items into my refrigerator that's a good  pay period. When will the playing field become equal? When will we stop stepping upon one another and instead reach out an honest hand? What has happened to communities coming together to help a neighbor on hard times? Its all lost and gone with this undeniably selfish world and mindset a lot pf people live in. Its been what I like to call "The generation of selfishness", Yes, I am a millennial born in good ol' 1984, I grew up in the 90's and I am grateful and thankful that I did. I may not have had everything I wanted, hell, we grew up barely having everything we needed, but because of that I am that much more appreciative of everything I have. I like to work hard, I enjoy earning my way, and knowing that my growth as an African American woman is all due to my hard work, resilience, and determination.

I don't mind helping others if I can. But some see "help" only in the form of money. There are many other ways you could be of service to one person or an entire community. There are food drives everywhere all year long, donate time to a cause that you are passionate about, offer a talent or skill to a non-profit that may need it. Money is the root to all evil and it does not make the world go around. Money does not translate into happiness and guaranteed peace. Celebrities and those among the rich and famous may not face the same economical woes you and I do, but they will all face the same inevitable fate of death as all living beings do. I am not saying this to be morbid, I am only shining a much needed light on a world that may not see its own reflection.

Enough?

Enough Is enough! I have absolutely had enough of the bull. It has been a nightmare trying to navigate  the waters of human decency and morality. I have been kind, introverted, extroverted, every verted yet I get nowhere with these people out here. "Ghosting" is what people out here do well and I don't understand that. The term "to be "ghosted" is a new one. It is basically when you are in any relationship (usually a romantic one) and the person just disappears. There are no calls, no texts, no explanations why. It just happened to me by someone I thought would at least be a person I could call an associate. It has been  hard, long, and lonely road. I have found myself slipping into bouts of depression. I feel empty, I have no friends or family to call upon. People only associate themselves with me when they need something. Its not okay to play around with someone's heart. Its painful and it hurts. As I sit here and I think back to the year 2000(also known as the millennium) it takes me to the moments that left me flabbergasted, hurt, torn, and lost. That was the year that I began to stop trusting people when it came to friendships. I was a junior in high school and had been best friends with another peer of mine for two years. Out of nowhere, junior year of high school she ghosted me.  She didn't want to be friends with someone who had no desire to pursue popularity, She in turn received what she wanted and to this day she is popular in life. I do not hate her or have any ill feelings towards her as a person. I am getting over the act that was carried out, how it was carried out, and how it reshaped my entire life. I tried to be the nice person for a long time after that and that got me nowhere, I stayed with my heart hidden and buried behind a sturdy red brick wall. Family hasn't been the cornerstone in which I look to for comfort and love to say the least. They are the worst offenders. To be shunned by them for being different, having interests that do not align with their lifestyle, and wanting more for myself than continuing the cycle of abuse in every way. All I hope for is a friend. But lets be real here, I am 35 years old, no church home, and no other social groups to which I belong. That leaves practically zero room for me to build healthy friendships with people. You can't really do that in a church, we go there to be healed and redeemed. I don't want to enter someone's life who is in the beginning stages of getting through a tough time and/or severe trauma. It wouldn't be fair to them nor me for we are in different places mentally and emotionally. I just want to find my place. No matter what a person tells you, everyone wants to feel as of they belong. I have no such place. Sometimes I wonder if I even belong in my own marriage. I have been married for 3 very long and trying years and for the last two of them I felt alone. Everything comes before me no matter what the circumstance. I hate when he tries to make me feel like I am stupid. His words are empty and mean nothing to me. I am tired of the empty promises and the burden of all the fiscal responsibilities placed upon me. What is a girl to do with her back against the wall in so many areas and avenues in her life? If I didn't have music, I honestly do not know where I would be. Music has saved my life, my soul, my being. It has become my only place of comfort. 

               

                                                                 

Let Go And Let God

"As soon as I start wondering, wondering how the story ends, I just let go and let God, Let God have is way."
 I begin with that quote from a beautiful gospel song I like to listen to. Sometimes we sit and worry so much about life and the things and behaviors we cannot control. I know that anything that involves human relationships can be sticky, tricky, and complicated, and its on us to hold tight to our moral values in those situations. We have to be the ones to take responsibility of moving forward and moving on from toxic situations. I have come a very long way since 2014, I no longer need help nor validation of self to get through my day. People will be people and if that is not conducive to my mental health and well being then I know that's God revealing to me to move forward. I am not afraid to move on in any situation. I will walk away from a high paying second job if the environment and the people are not worth it. I do not believe in living in the gray area or that there even is one, I see things very black and white. You either are or aren't, you either can or cannot, and you're either loyal or disloyal. I just don't see how people allow so much "wiggle" room in their lives when you only get one. I did it because I wanted my family to love me as a child, but I learned very quickly over the years as I grew into a young woman that there is nothing you can do nor say to a person who hates you for a reason you will never understand nor identify with. 

I learned to just focus on myself and what I need to do to stay on top of my game and honestly, simply allow myself to be happy amidst the pain I have endured. I am not placing blame on any one individual but I am also not taking the blame that has been placed upon me in certain situations, You can't wait for someone to forgive you. You have to forgive yourself! Forgive yourself as God forgives our sins, and pray for the hearts of those who refuse to see who you are and have become. You cannot change those people, but you can change yourself. Its up to you and what you want in your life. I choose, stability and a sense of joy that will lead to day to day happiness.

I am 35 years old as of This past Saturday, February 23rd, 2019! And you know what? I feel great!!

#GHOSTIN

For me letting go and moving on is something I am eerily familiar with. Does it bother me that here I am once again in the same position? Yes, it does. I self evaluate, I look into myself and I can see where I am flawed. I know when I am wrong and I own it. What I do not and absolutely will not own is someone else's total lack of knowledge when it comes to human decency. Someone who is so quick to dismiss a friendship and not fight for it on moral ground, let alone empathize with the other person. Why would you expect me to adhere to some random rules made by a new person in your life when a person wont even step in my shoes for 5 minutes to see it from my prospective?

So yes, I will not hold back my thoughts and you will get the full, and I mean full assertiveness that I possess when it comes to protecting my heart and my very own moral compass. Life just doesn't work that way. I would rather have one good friend for years than 10 shady ones that go "Ghost" on me based on the convenience of their own selfish lives. 

Short entry, but I needed to speak very clearly as to why I had to walk away from a friendship that I was actually pushed out of.

Loyal To A "T"...... Well, May Be My True Fault.....

When someone makes a change in their life of their choosing, and tells you nothing will change between the two of you (like friendship), it is a lie. Things will always change and they will change drastically (of course in only the way the party affected sees). In my current melodrama with my used to be good friend he doesn't read or return text messages any longer, he surely doesn't pick up the phone to call. He acts strange when he does text and he always seems like he is bothered by me. Yeah, I call and sometimes we laugh but I am nobody's tap dancing slave on a corner. I am person too. One thing I am not going  to do is have another conversation with him about how he has changed. There is no point to it and he will not see it. I have made the conscious decision beginning today February 11, 2019 at 6:50 am Central time to not call, not text, not initiate the communication any longer and see if we even still have a friendship. I hope for the best but I know better and have been through this before with others. I am always that "Go-To" pass by friend everyone uses for that so-called "finding myself" period of their lives. I will no longer be there for these times when these very same individuals cannot be there for mine.

We are already living in a time that will be remembered throughout history as one of the most disloyal, sad, and selfish I have ever seen in my short yet almost 35 years of life. With my once good friend, I know it is drawing near that I let it go. If you are nervous to call someone because their girlfriend of 6 weeks will be upset, that is not a healthy situation. It's disappointing because he made it a point to tell me that nothing will change, that he had isolated friends before and made the same mistakes and swore he would never do that again. Well he has done it to me. I am not in that inner circle of people. I don't know his family and I don't do his niece's hair. But, when he needed a friend, a shoulder, I was there. I never allow anyone into my life that cannot accept who is in my life and does not know how to be a friend back to me. I believe that the words "Friend" and "Love" are often used too much in today's society without real meaning. I have been through a lot in life so I am loyal to a "T", NOT to a fault. I had to learn the hard way that loyalty is not always give, give...… It is very much give and take for granted. 

I have learned to place people on a shelf as if they were books in a library. Some people stay on the shelf, collect dust, erode, and are never removed. Others are placed in different categories, are taken off the shelf for different reasons, seasons, and feelings at the time. Not everyone rots and dies. I had to create this imaginary yet very real place so I could lift that heavy burden of sadness off of me, those many questions of "why?" that cluttered my mind night after night. If people are not going to be loyal to me, or at least show respect, then I must take control, protect my heart and be that person who decides who and what behavior is allowed in my life. It was and still is a very liberating experience. I will say that it has been hard with this latest friendship gone awry, but this too shall pass. Love yourself first and always because if you don't have compassion for your own heart how will you even know how to SHOW compassion to others? And that readers (or reader) is what people who use your heart don't have. They lack compassion. Anyone can fake empathy by saying the right words, but compassion requires heart and action. How many people do you know truly have that?

You want a friend, do you know how to be one?

Loyalty; the quality of being loyal. A strong feeling of support or allegiance.

Now I know that sounds like a "Trumpish" type of loyalty but I wanted to lay the foundation for what it is I am speaking of. As most people, we all suffer from trust issues in one way or another. For myself, it took one person Junior year of high school to show me that friendship meant more to me and nothing to them. At the impressionable age of 16 years old, I created the world in which I live and that my people is black and white. I am extremely cautious when it comes to my interactions with people that I have to encounter on a daily basis. I am very guarded and protective of what people know, I could care less what they choose to believe.

Around May of last year I met an individual that I instantly had a great vibe with. Conversations were great and there was so much in common even though we were two totally different personalities.  This person was there for me during really low moments in my life, and there for the comebacks at all times. We had our morning conversations about the news of the evening and our evening conversations about the developed news of the day. Of course we were not on a schedule we were actual friends. I made myself vulnerable and open. I trusted without reservation, and held no guards with hope and freedom. I thought I was receiving that in return but I guess this person was a bit more secretive about his life (and I was a secret friend) which is weird to me because there was never anything there in an intimate way.

About three weeks ago he starts telling me about this female that he has been "talking" tp for "not very long" and that it wasn't serious. I was surprised, but what really blew me away was the fact that getting him to tell me the truth (because I know him) was like pulling teeth. I then found out he has been "talking"/"dating" whatever you want to call it since November and went 3 months almost without one mention of her. It only became a "thing" when he started having sex with her and practically living at her house. My normal friendship calls were ignored, text messages were not responded to for hours on end and I was lost. I am a married woman and my husband has never put restrictions on who I can be friends with, when I can talk to them, and how I can interact with them. Its just a matter of being secure in your place and knowing there is no threat coming from the other direction. He and I were the poster friendship for the male/female truly platonic relationship. Not once did that line ever cross.

He (when reachable) kept trying to assure me that our friendship would not change. I honestly was just waiting for the other shoe to drop at that point, and boy did it drop. Yesterday I asked straight up what was the deal. He came up with the silliest so called reasoning I had ever heard. He told me that everyone in his ENTIRE family and close married friends says there is a rule (which I have never heard of) that you don't talk to any other female after 10 pm. what the fuck kind of weird insecure bullshit is that? I was flabbergasted! not just at this rule, but at the fact that he was saying it and with conviction as if he truly believed it. Also, I can no longer call him in the mornings (oh! this is good, he takes her to work because she's been waiting almost 3 months for a car accident insurance pay off, that is also a huge red flag). He has a teenager that he doesn't have custody of, and she has a 4 year old that lives with her as she is bringing strange men into her home. Every woman knows that the cardinal rule when dating a woman with kids is that you don't introduce the child to the man until a certain point. 

She has met his friends and family. I have not. Now you may be thinking... hmmm? Jealous? Not in the slightest. I feel betrayed because I was a good friend and I was open with him regardless and he did not reciprocate that. I am no silly girl, I know that when you enter into a new relationship your time changes, but you are not supposed to. You certainly shouldn't allow a female you have known less than 90 days dictate your friendships, That's a slippery slope. As I stated before, with me things are black and white and once you have shown me you do not deserve the benefit of the doubt then I place you in spot on a shelf and there is a good chance I will never pick that book up again to reopen. Once your true colors are shown I do not make a fool of myself more than once. When you act as if you don't even care that our friendship may no longer be because you refuse to even see it from my perspective, you really may begin to collect dust.  That is where it ends now. He doesn't call me to say what's up, nothing. And I don't know the hours in which I am allowed to speak to my own good friend. I get anxiety when wanting to call just to say "ho was your day?"

The lesson I have learned is not everyone values integrity. Loyalty to a fault is what I received in this particular situation but, decency and respect became lost within the midst. As I quote Lil Wayne "No Love lost, no love found."

In Awe

In the swing of life  you never truly know what or who is going to come into your life and at what time. I decided in December that it was time for a change in mine. I do not make New Years Resolutions, I do not believe in them. I believe at any time you can choose to make a turnaround. I decided Instead of heavily relying on my eating disorder that I would focus on my health in a more productive and less harmful way. I am getting back to reading books that will be helpful and I have been getting out (alone) and doing things that actually make me happy and I truly enjoy. 

You cant rely on people to make your life what you want it to be, that is up to you. I have learned that you cant catch a person when they fall when they would not do the same for you. Sometimes being alone or having one friend is what is best. I have a few people I snapchat with or may text that are female but I do have that one constant male friend who has been there an entire year. Its a friendship that is unconditional and I am grateful to have him as  a friend. I cant even come close to saying that about my own "Family" that I was born into. They are so ass backwards I wouldn't know where to begin, They believed rumors that "he" began and judged based on no evidence. I am a very resilient strong willed individual and I know the difference between truth and a lie. I have no desire to prove anything to anyone because I know what is right and true. 

In comes an angel..... who will (as always) remain nameless who has no idea how much he/she has changed my life, I am in awe. Who knew that good, decent people still existed? When I was in need of an angel, one appeared ;)

There is still good in the world;  don't go seeking it and it shall come to you. I did not have the most guided upbringing but I know under the circumstances my grandmother did the best that she could and loved us in her way and for that I will forever be grateful. She had many moments, but I have so many memories of everyday things that allow me now,  to sit here smiling, almost in tears because I am a lot like her, She may not have birthed me, but she was the only mother I knew and I wish things could've been more open but I love her and I hope she is with her parents and with her daughter. After losing her 2 weeks after my birth, I would say its long overdue. Grandma always said she wanted to see my brother and I old enough to live and take care of ourselves and we were at the time of her passing. Things may have occurred, our lives completely separated now,  but speaking for myself only, I am my mothers daughter. I am resilient, strong, determined, and always ready. Peace and God are always with me.

At peace

Simply Me :)

Merry Christmas to me From Me! Paid In Full, No Car Payments! God is Good!