Faith, Christmas, And the idea of perfection......

It’s the season for giving, caring, loving and lets not forget receiving, but it it is also the season where suicide skyrockets, depression shoots to an all time high, andv the loneliness of your life is as clear as day. For those like myself who are battling demons, do we lean heavily on our faith? I  am not afraid to say that my faith is not strong. I am way too good at goodbyes like the Sam Smith song says. I’m just protecting my soul, every time I open up it hurts. It just seems like in my experience if do not agree or have a disagreement with a new associate they are very quick to dismiss me, without giving me a single solitary chance. How am I supposed to trust ever?  I’m used to emptiness in my heart, but when I trust someone with my inner most secrets I don’t expect to be left in a situation where I may have to regret it. I don’t know when I will ever learn...... This is not Christmas......

Sow In Faith?

Up watching digital TV because my cable doesn’t get installed until tomorrow but these pastors are RIDICULOUS! Sow $1,000 on your credit card you owe debt on and your debt will be wiped clean? Sow in faith. I am a believer but I DO NOT believe in giving your last when you need heat, I don’t believe in taking your rent and giving it to the church and YES the church you attend is a direct reflection of who you are and if the “ messenger “ is no good then I feel for you because your are being led in greed and phoniness. I believe in truth telling, living and loving all those around you, and respect for all. I don’t need to give anything other than my heart to God to be a child of his and blessed in abundance. A lot of these “Internet Prophets” will not prosper long. What may seem as a season of favor is really a delusion of granger because everyday is favorable to those who hold the beauty of a good heart ❤️ Period!

New Beginnings :)

New beginnings are the opportunities we are allowed to give. Ourself to rid our lives of the toxicity of the past. Admit it, we all have a past. It’s not everyone’s sines what that past is, its about where we are headed and not the ugliness we are leaving behind. You have to make decisions that are not easy and may have to become accustomed to a lifestyle you are not used to. I can honestly say that  I am actually happy and doing okay today. New Place, Been in my new career for 4 weeks now. It gets stressful at times but nonetheless I stay busy and nonetheless the days and weeks go by quickly. There is a lot to learn I am ready for it. I have learned a lot of patience and tolerance this last year. I've began to not sweat the small stuff and with that comes a lot of peace. Inever r Alize’s how much of myself was congested with irrelevant and insignificant small things. As that song says “Shake It Off”, and that’s exactly what I do. God will never let me fall. I have been in some pretty dark places but I’m still here. Those who have tried to break me, are annoyed with angst because I continue to flourish and push on. I hope one day they will see they missed out on getting to know who I am. I am my mothers daughter, and their distain for who I am runs so deep that the memory of my mother means nothing. I am still praying on it though. God will always have my back ;)

Thunderstorms and Wonders

As I sit here at almost 2am, listening to the rain and thunder in all its majestic wonders, my mind begins to take a hold of my very core. What do you do when you’ve truly done all you can? Do you continue on to prove you are not a quitter? Do you concede and feel like a failure? Or do you simply take it to the Lord in prayer? I have been trying to figure out which road to take for quite some time now. There are so many things I need to just let go of that my heart and mind won’t Allow. Whether its the betrayal of a family member or friend, loneliness and the fear of reaching out again, or feeling as if I will never be able to sustain a human connection. I am doing my best not to pigeon hold myself to one thing or the other but it just seems that I am living the definition of insanity, doing the same thing expecting different results.

I literally began dry cutting people off the last 2 years because my heart could no longer endure the pain that crept along with the continuous notion that it can all change. I realized I had to change myself first. Yes it is a lonely place to be mentally but Iwould rather deal with the loneliness
Than the pain I’ve felt based on the actions of others. I have to make myself happy and not feel guilty about it. I know I will never be the same again and that’s okay. When you are not changing you are not progressing as a person. Every day is a battle and my life is the war and that is not necessarily a bad thing. If everyday I win the battle, eventually the war within myself will end and believe me I will fight to the death to save myself.

I will no longer wait on anyone to change or accept who I am. I stopped caring about that a long time ago. As long as I am happy with the woman I have grown into that is all that matters. I will always carry the memories inside my heart but I cannot dwell daily on what was and focus my energy on what it is. I will not beg anyone to be there for me if they cannot or do not want to. I will not allow anyone to yell at me or berate me verbally because they believe they have that right. I shut that down before they get get their second sentence. I am no longer afraid to defend myself. My calm and my peace is essential and no one will take that away from me. The serenity I now carry is home to me, and my house shall not and will not be broken ever again.

Isolation & RealizationsI

Today I spent the day alone. I got a lot done and even exceeded my steps, but I found myself slipping deeper and deeper into this  curse of bi-polar depression, It was beginning to take over my mind, souk body, and spirit. It was then I knew I had to take control of the situation and begin to count my blessings. I placed pen and paper in hand and began to write down every good thing in my life and every positive thing about myself. As I began to read the list back to myself, I couldn’t comprehend how I ever doubted my own self worth to the point of darkness with no light ahead. I then began to think of those who decide to end their lives because they dont’t/ and or can’t see the light that brought me back from the end of that ledge and Iwonder why some see it and others simply cannot. That is something we will never know, something we wish we could have a full understanding

Of. Mental illness carries a stigma of weakness, unable to “just get over it”someone who just wants to mope and whine about life all day, but that couldn’t be further from the truth. Mental illness is as real of a medical condition as it gets. A lot of people do not know that Bi-Polar Depression is the #1 type of depression in successful suicides. Waking up living and functioning with this disease is a challenge but it is possible. If you are properly medicated and have a good team of medical professionals around you, you have a much higher chance of learning to live with the ups and owns and very extreme lows. Support from family and friends is a great thing too but can be tricky, You need to know who you can trust with such sensitive information and who you cant. There will be people in your life you will have to, as I say “Put on a shelf”. By saying so I am not stating that you discard them, just placing them in the correct category. You will have that small handful of people you can trust with this very complex area in your life, some you can talk to when you are just feeling down, and trust me we all need those good people in our lives who make us laugh, smile, and enjoy the small things. There will be those you may have to distance yourself from due to the nature of their toxicity in your life and I call those people the “Gone but not Forgotton” people On my shelf. Those are people who relish in your agony, you cannot trust them to keep it private, and they most certainly will influence you to do things you shouldn’t be when you are in the midst of your most vulnerable time. 

Mental illness is no joke. People of all backgrounds suffer from one form or another. So instead of making those afflicted feel even more isolated from the world, lets embrace the power of  love and acceptance and help fight for the cause and not against it. Big Pharma makes a lot of money off the backs of those who need this behavioral health care and we are nowhere near a system that works. As long as we don’t forget, the likelihood of better care and understanding will come much sooner than you think.

My Peace: The Art of Letting Go

A man who isnt afraid to walk out on you, doesn't deserve to have you. A man is a person of compassion and integrity, not a person who will make you cry and beg for a mili-second of his time when you have done nothing wrong. A real man doent's put friends and associates before you instead of repairing the damage he caused within his own marriage. Those are the actions of an overgrown manboy stuck in the mindset of a millennial. It's time to let you go my friend and I need to do it for myself. The sleepless nights, uncertainty,  loneliness, weight loss, heartache, sadness,  and fear is too much to bear. I'm just a Cali girl living in this messed up Midwest world and I'm tired of being put last on the list. My vows were sacred to me, you uttered yours to get what you wanted. I wear my ring with pride and honor while yours lay stuck between the couch cushion where it fell out your pocket. You hate me, you love me, which one will it Be? When I needed you the most even the nurses kept you away from my room for the way you were treating me? What did I do to deserve this, how could you leave me so empty, then I realized it was easy to do for sidechicks you had plenty. Don't come crawling back to me when the next one uses you to tear you down, just remember I was the one who respected you as  man, my husband,  my king, honey l allowed you to wear the crown.

The Light That Never Dims

Abigail at age 8

6 Months Old

2 Days Old 

Wrapped up like a little 9 lb burrito

Easter Sunday Best - Albuquerque, NM Zoo

Smart, beautiful, and Intelligent Middle  School Kiddo!

If you were to ask me a year and a half ago that I would be where I am today I would've laughed you clear out of this room. But It Is Real! God has been good to me. Yes, I have had my medical ups and downs, suffered from severe lows and the greatest of highs but one thing that has remained a constant for me is the Love I have for my Abigail, my daughter, my love, my heart, my reason to fight and never give up. She is the most amazing person I know. She gives without expecting anything in return, her heart is pure and open to all people, and her mind, oh that beautiful mind, remains filled with intellect, wonders, and dreams she has a written out plan to achieve. God has blessed me with this One child and I now know why. She is the light of the world to me of course and I truly believe she will bring love, light, and extraordinary discoveries to  the world and all of you.

xoxo,

Proud Mom :) 

Ode To Bulimia

Here I am, naked bare,

exposed to my core, hiding no more,

bulimia is her name and she consumes my every thought,

my soul has been sold and bought.

Bulimia go away,

my teeth, you took them they did not stay.

Employers run they think I am on drugs,

I am stepped on and walked over as if I were a used rug.

Smiling is something Ii just simply do not do,

in fear of what those around me say about the when, where, why, and who.

I can't be myself, I am a recluse.

I don't bother going out, I remain an elusive chanteuse. 

I say I don't care what people say about me but I really do,

in the back of my mind I wonder if some one will understand, will it be you?

I wish I had my life back bulimia, the one I had before you,

I wasn't happy then, I am not happy now, I am stuck, what is that I do?

Why Worry?

Learning to love this girl was and always will be a battle. When people ask me what I feel my "Purpose" is to do in this life, I simply reply with , "To Survive with resilience and dignity." Life is much to short to be worried about the contents of the next mans life. Prayer is the foundation on which I stand and if you're going to pray don't worry, and if you're going to worry don't pray." I know it's a lot easier said than done but when you live a faith driven life it's really just that simple. I myself am guilty of allowing the worry bug take over me, its only natural, but I do not let it consume me. For example, I was working a job that set goals , guidelines, and a timeframe in which conversions over to the actual company would be allotted. With great attendance, productivity, knowledge, and quality I was a for sure candidate once the hours required were met for consideration per this particular companies policies. The time came and passed yet I still hung on, waited, and continued to prove myself. I then began to wonder, worry and ask questions. I would periodically check in with my immediate supervisor to inquire and continued to get the "Wait and see" response, so I did just that. Finally, I asked for a meeting to discuss my worries and concerns, the hours were stacking up, the environment was no longer one that was conducive to my health all around and there were yet still no answers (by this time I had been there well over the required time). I decided it was time to reflect on my options and make the decision that was best for me, and that was to walk away. That wasn't something I wanted being that I had invested so much of myself into this job, yet it was something that needed to be done, so I put in my two weeks, revamped my resume, and by the grace of God and the blessing of opportunity I did find another position that was much more beneficial economically and environmentally. All that worrying I had subjected myself to did nothing for me but make matters worse. I had to remind myself of my self worth and use that as motivation to get back out there and make it happen. It took many years to realize the woman I am today, my purpose. Letting go of past angers and  hurt did me a world of good and genuinely I can say I feel better for it. No longer do  I carry the burden of the angst and sorrow that once was, no longer do I suffer sleepless nights, and no longer do I cry every holiday just to purposely make myself miserable. I know I have done all I can and its now in the hands of the lord. Not everyday I am a shining beam of sunshine but everyday I get up with my head held high in remembrance of that purpose driven little girl who grew up in Oceanside knowing there would be more for me. No weapon formed against me shall prosper and I forgive those who have caused me pain in hopes hat I am forgiven as well, for we all want to be forgiven by our King when it's all said and done.

Purpose

What is the purpose of hating me when you truly hate yourself, you used me for 10 yrs in reach of your own selfish comfortable wealth. You uttered amongst the worst of words to describe who i am, but the picture you paint is the one of yourself created to invade my life like spam.

What is that you seek to gain from all of this you do? When in actuality your hate for me has reasons less than few. You're hurting your own flesh and blood as everyday goes by, you may not see it now but in 6 years dont wonder why.

Why I've closed my heart and locked it with a key, you cant place blame any longer i have to protect me. It hurts to have to not think about the situation at hand, but my distance from it all is the only way I can continue to stand.

I can no longer lay miserable and take the attacks from you. Just remember in 6 yrs this is what you chose to do.

Untitled

In a world filled with compassion and love, it skips me.

Success in encouraged. I reach it, yet I am empty.

Rejected by all due to the fear of the unknown, not given a a chance for reasons to me that haven't been shown.

Cats away, left out, discarded removed.

Again and again I keep telling myself in time it will prove.

But, time has come and gone and facts are what they may, my heart will always be cast on a shelf left in disarray.

I wrote that Poem September 17th, 2012 and in a real twist of things I still feel that way sometimes.