You want a friend, do you know how to be one?

Loyalty; the quality of being loyal. A strong feeling of support or allegiance.

Now I know that sounds like a "Trumpish" type of loyalty but I wanted to lay the foundation for what it is I am speaking of. As most people, we all suffer from trust issues in one way or another. For myself, it took one person Junior year of high school to show me that friendship meant more to me and nothing to them. At the impressionable age of 16 years old, I created the world in which I live and that my people is black and white. I am extremely cautious when it comes to my interactions with people that I have to encounter on a daily basis. I am very guarded and protective of what people know, I could care less what they choose to believe.

Around May of last year I met an individual that I instantly had a great vibe with. Conversations were great and there was so much in common even though we were two totally different personalities.  This person was there for me during really low moments in my life, and there for the comebacks at all times. We had our morning conversations about the news of the evening and our evening conversations about the developed news of the day. Of course we were not on a schedule we were actual friends. I made myself vulnerable and open. I trusted without reservation, and held no guards with hope and freedom. I thought I was receiving that in return but I guess this person was a bit more secretive about his life (and I was a secret friend) which is weird to me because there was never anything there in an intimate way.

About three weeks ago he starts telling me about this female that he has been "talking" tp for "not very long" and that it wasn't serious. I was surprised, but what really blew me away was the fact that getting him to tell me the truth (because I know him) was like pulling teeth. I then found out he has been "talking"/"dating" whatever you want to call it since November and went 3 months almost without one mention of her. It only became a "thing" when he started having sex with her and practically living at her house. My normal friendship calls were ignored, text messages were not responded to for hours on end and I was lost. I am a married woman and my husband has never put restrictions on who I can be friends with, when I can talk to them, and how I can interact with them. Its just a matter of being secure in your place and knowing there is no threat coming from the other direction. He and I were the poster friendship for the male/female truly platonic relationship. Not once did that line ever cross.

He (when reachable) kept trying to assure me that our friendship would not change. I honestly was just waiting for the other shoe to drop at that point, and boy did it drop. Yesterday I asked straight up what was the deal. He came up with the silliest so called reasoning I had ever heard. He told me that everyone in his ENTIRE family and close married friends says there is a rule (which I have never heard of) that you don't talk to any other female after 10 pm. what the fuck kind of weird insecure bullshit is that? I was flabbergasted! not just at this rule, but at the fact that he was saying it and with conviction as if he truly believed it. Also, I can no longer call him in the mornings (oh! this is good, he takes her to work because she's been waiting almost 3 months for a car accident insurance pay off, that is also a huge red flag). He has a teenager that he doesn't have custody of, and she has a 4 year old that lives with her as she is bringing strange men into her home. Every woman knows that the cardinal rule when dating a woman with kids is that you don't introduce the child to the man until a certain point. 

She has met his friends and family. I have not. Now you may be thinking... hmmm? Jealous? Not in the slightest. I feel betrayed because I was a good friend and I was open with him regardless and he did not reciprocate that. I am no silly girl, I know that when you enter into a new relationship your time changes, but you are not supposed to. You certainly shouldn't allow a female you have known less than 90 days dictate your friendships, That's a slippery slope. As I stated before, with me things are black and white and once you have shown me you do not deserve the benefit of the doubt then I place you in spot on a shelf and there is a good chance I will never pick that book up again to reopen. Once your true colors are shown I do not make a fool of myself more than once. When you act as if you don't even care that our friendship may no longer be because you refuse to even see it from my perspective, you really may begin to collect dust.  That is where it ends now. He doesn't call me to say what's up, nothing. And I don't know the hours in which I am allowed to speak to my own good friend. I get anxiety when wanting to call just to say "ho was your day?"

The lesson I have learned is not everyone values integrity. Loyalty to a fault is what I received in this particular situation but, decency and respect became lost within the midst. As I quote Lil Wayne "No Love lost, no love found."

In Awe

In the swing of life  you never truly know what or who is going to come into your life and at what time. I decided in December that it was time for a change in mine. I do not make New Years Resolutions, I do not believe in them. I believe at any time you can choose to make a turnaround. I decided Instead of heavily relying on my eating disorder that I would focus on my health in a more productive and less harmful way. I am getting back to reading books that will be helpful and I have been getting out (alone) and doing things that actually make me happy and I truly enjoy. 

You cant rely on people to make your life what you want it to be, that is up to you. I have learned that you cant catch a person when they fall when they would not do the same for you. Sometimes being alone or having one friend is what is best. I have a few people I snapchat with or may text that are female but I do have that one constant male friend who has been there an entire year. Its a friendship that is unconditional and I am grateful to have him as  a friend. I cant even come close to saying that about my own "Family" that I was born into. They are so ass backwards I wouldn't know where to begin, They believed rumors that "he" began and judged based on no evidence. I am a very resilient strong willed individual and I know the difference between truth and a lie. I have no desire to prove anything to anyone because I know what is right and true. 

In comes an angel..... who will (as always) remain nameless who has no idea how much he/she has changed my life, I am in awe. Who knew that good, decent people still existed? When I was in need of an angel, one appeared ;)

There is still good in the world;  don't go seeking it and it shall come to you. I did not have the most guided upbringing but I know under the circumstances my grandmother did the best that she could and loved us in her way and for that I will forever be grateful. She had many moments, but I have so many memories of everyday things that allow me now,  to sit here smiling, almost in tears because I am a lot like her, She may not have birthed me, but she was the only mother I knew and I wish things could've been more open but I love her and I hope she is with her parents and with her daughter. After losing her 2 weeks after my birth, I would say its long overdue. Grandma always said she wanted to see my brother and I old enough to live and take care of ourselves and we were at the time of her passing. Things may have occurred, our lives completely separated now,  but speaking for myself only, I am my mothers daughter. I am resilient, strong, determined, and always ready. Peace and God are always with me.

At peace

Simply Me :)

Merry Christmas to me From Me! Paid In Full, No Car Payments! God is Good!

Will Christmas ever be the same for me? I know that I am not the only person on earth going through hard times right now, but when you are in that pain you truly feel alone. I  keep telling myself I am going to quit trying. I continue to ask myself is it worth the immense pain that I put myself through? It doesn't feel that way any longer. I am worth more than this three and a half year punishment that has been placed upon me. I word it in that form because it could have been resolved more than once but the other side refuses to come to any commonality, Maybe that's why I get so mad at celebrities when they wanna get mad and tweet about dumb shit when they have access too get all the help in all the areas they need with in their lives. I am limited as an ordinary citizen to what I have access too and what I can even do for myself.

It is Christmas and I haven't received a gift from my own husband. I made our Thanksgiving a real one by purchasing all the food and he did the cooking. I am the one who has made  all the effort this Christmas and I all I was able to do was order an $89 pair of boots that I will receive by the end of the week. I am grateful that I work hard enough to have and keep the essentials in my own home and pay bills. I have a new car (2018) and am doing well with that. But, is it so bad to just want my husband to get off of call of duty for hours on end, not allow football control his entire days, have him want to go anywhere with me? I am not asking for much. I am trying my hardest. He needs to realize its just going to be the two of us and we have to learn to enjoy one another and be even closer, and work that much harder to keep our marriage together. I named my 4 things that are non negotiable in our daily lives and he (as predicted) became defensive and gave me no plan or ide of how he is going to "Change" things "This time". I have heard this so many times before and his words carry no weight.

Made A Way Cover by Juzang

https://youtu.be/hxiNlza_hLQ

I just have to tell myself that God will make a way and at least I know that if I speak it, it shall be

Grown & Petty

Petty: of little importance; trivial.

Its amazing to me how a word with such a short and sweet definition could change a persons entire moral compass (if they ever even had one).  I know we all have that desire in us to want to retaliate or get back at someone but most of us choose not to do so because we think before we act. I have seen and learned throughout my prior use of social media how severely extreme pettiness has become. People are using screen shots of others to post on various platforms to make jokes and to harm the other individuals character. It has become such a problem you can now attribute small petty behavior to the suicidal ideations of the ones they hurt. When something is out there, it is out. It is very hard to ignore what is right in front of your face day after day. 

I made the conscious decision to walk completely away from the petty behavior of those on social media. I deactivated my Facebook account almost a year ago now and I have never felt more free. I don't feel as if I have to compete with anyone, feel sorrow because I may be struggling more than the next person, and I have grown a real sense of self awareness that I have never had. I see a lot of memes that glorify being petty and it makes me want to vomit. The words pretty and petty may look similar but there is nothing attractive about being a petty individual. As Michelle Obama coined the term "When they go low, we go high." I truly believe that. If we go low, and they go lower, we are both headed on a downward spiral of ugliness. That is a ride I do not want to be on and refuse to engage in.

Rise above the nonsense. Stop trying so hard to prove you are a "Queen B" or a "Bad B" by acting petty. All that displays is your inability to be an adult and make sound decisions for yourself. Most of the men and women you see displaying this behavior are those who have families and are over the age of 25. You would think that by that point a persons priorities would be in line, but apparently that is not the case.  What example are you setting for your children that you chose to bring into this world? What example are you setting to your parents who may have you raised you to be better than that? An what example are you setting to strangers who may not know the good of you and are only exposed to the pettiness within you? 

Actions have consequences, and Karma..... well, she plays dirty too.

Retrospect (A Poem)

Beginning again, again, and again,

I never thought that in my life it would end.

The cycle of lies beneath the cloak of hate,

all I needed was a clean slate.

Stuck within the madness within my own soul,

everyday passing by I'd lose myself, grow cold.

watching you live and build yourself up while standing upon my back,

little did I realize that the day was coming, you were plotting to act.

To act against me in the most egregious way,

not allowing me to love my daughter, not allowing me to stay.

Be the part of her life that no woman could ever be,

no matter how deep and dark you may try to bury me.

I will always be her mother no matter where I am on this earth,

she knows the truth, too young to understand my own pain and girth.

This child will grow into a young woman and ask about the truth,

what are you going to tell her? you cant continue the lies based upon your charade as the "Good Guy" and I "The Rouse"

You knew of all my weaknesses, you knew of all my hurts,

you knew the things that pained me, you pried them out in spurts.

I hated telling you the truth about my feelings because something inside me did not trust you,

but you made me feel as if I could, back then if only I knew.

Today is a new day, I have grown into someone you do not know,

You are still struggling with hate and guilt piled upon you like a monsoon of snow.

I wake up every day and choose to do what is hard, not to do what the world would like.

I rise and shine everyday and hop on a different bike.

A bike I haven't ridden yet, a bike that has no miles,

so I can continue to rewrite the story of my journey with love and a smile.

A smile I will not wipe off of my face because of the pains of my past,

but a smile that will shine bright as the nights stars and in my heart forever last. 

The state of hate in which we live in right now is insane! Trump just gets worse by the moment and continues to say the  most idiotic things you can think of. I don't know what to think from day to day. I used to watch the news and keep CNN on the background, but it has become so ridiculous. These days I'd rather listen to Law & Order or Hallmark Christmas movies. The blatant lies, the ugly attacks, the obvious racism.... its just too much. Whenever I hear a supporter of Trumps trying to spin the crap that comes out of his mouth they always concede at least one lie he spewed then in the same breath walk about 67 other lies back. I look at the crowds that he receives, and they are all white ranging from the very young and very old. The people who compile his "base" are the exact people who are getting the shit end of the stick yet they are blinded by the social hate rhetoric he speaks they don't care about what is actually happening to them. You can call me a "Trump Supporter Sympathizer". I truly pray they do not hold that much hate inside, and that this newly found emboldened way they place their hate on display is an awkward teenage phase. I am currently located in a ruby red state. I do not live in the rural areas in which he targets  heavily but I am in a Missouri metro area surrounded by suburbs one in which I live, so I see and have been subjected to this very hate others watch from afar. I don't allow these people to hurt me or my feelings in any way. I just pray for their hearts and minds and move on.  

These images of hate, these acts of domestic terrorism (lets just call lit what it is) and the hateful rhetoric have to stop. I sound a lot like the news anchors on CNN but it needs to be said, even if it falls upon deaf ears. I mean on Thanksgiving the man was thankful for himself. It was so pathetic and sad. He didn't thank the troops, the American people who put him in office, he thanked his damn self. How horribly narcissistic that is to do. I just do not get it. 

Cindy Hyde-Smith defeated the democrat in the Run-off Senate race in Deep Red Mississippi last night which was projected. What I find to be very sad is the fact that she was caught on tape saying she would be in the "Front row of a public hanging" if invited, "joked" about suppressing votes in more urban areas, posted a picture of herself wearing confederate gear with a caption that stated "Mississippi at its best", an went to to an all white private segregated school to avoid desegregation, then in turn years later sent her daughter to the same type of school. That is who that state in America in this year of 2018 sent to represent them in the United States Senate. 

When will we learn that judging one another, being closed minded and harming each other a bad thing? Children know these basics and I am so glad THEY are our future.

I Don't Drink.... but sometimes I feel like I need a Smoke Break

I

Living in the "Heartland" where people are completely heartless has been very hard and has taken a toll on my view of people in general. White privilege is socioeconomically clear here in the the Kansas City, Missouri metro area. It is located right next door to the state line of Kansas which enters a whole new world! I have been rejected and labeled and even denied jobs due to the color of my skin and my appearance. When I am looking for second job I don't even apply for front office administrative positions because I know I am not white nor a blonde or brunette. Although I am well overqualified for all the positions I apply for I am simply denied due to either name discrimination or I am just "not what they are looking for." I find that to be the funniest excuse of them all. Little do these companies know I am a Master Senior Editor and ghostwriter for a major publishing house and oversee 247 people everyday. I have government clearance and am a recent P.h.D graduate. 

When it comes to my own people I am an outcast. The black females out here feel I am not black enough and the males are cool, but just want to use me for whatever they think they can until I inform them I am married.

"If you're shattered, every piece of you that's on the floor he can restore........ he'll take you deeper, he'll give you a song." -Blanca (Christian Artist) 

The fact that I am still standing and thriving upsets some people. Thank you mother for blessing me with the resilience I know in my heart you passed along to me. Thank you for bringing me into this world and God bless you for looking out for me when I stared down the barrels of death and despair. I know you are an angel and have been 34 years. Now, you have your mother back with you and I know you two have mended any heartbreak and just want our family to acknowledge our truths, forgive and let go. I am not going to lie, I  have not let go of the hurt completely that has been bestowed upon me by your daughter and your sister, but God is working on me and I am closer to a true and ever lasting forgiveness. 

With God all things are possible!

Slow & Steady Is Always the Way.... Headed For That City of Gold

It feels so good when you have your life all in order (or for the most part) without so much drama, turmoil, or worry. I am meeting new people and weeding people out rather quickly. But the one or two who I continue to converse with are really good people. Lately I have been a bit more vocal about certain things and have possibly hurt some feelings or maybe they don't care. I struggle a lot with most personalities but I know its because of I approach things with truth and honesty. I like people to keep it real with me. I am no one to lie to. I am not that important to where you have to habitually lie to me for some unknown reason. 

I have made the choice to wake up and do what's right and that includes doing what's hard. I tell God daily that I know I will not be perfect today but I will walk by faith and not by fear. I know he is near and I feel his presence around me. I could dismiss all of what I know to be right and do as the world does, but then that would not be me. I used to struggle with finding who I am and what my purpose was on this earth. I struggle no longer. Once I realized that God guides my life, I let go of all that burdened me, my worries, fears and doubts and in that process I found myself. I am a child of God! 

The Release ........

Here we are four years later on July 4th, 2018 and I am still being held to a mistake I made in 2014. I proclaim that I will no longer continue to pay the price that I have already been punished for and have been held hostage to for the last four years. No more crying and no more complaining from this gal. I have reached out and I have even spoken to my sweet girl and I have been pushed away so pettily with such ugliness and faux love. I was hurt, shattered and lay broken on the floor, but here I stand. I stand with pride, I stand with dignity, and I stand with my God, my Jehovah Jirah! There is nothing left for me to do, I have done all I can and I will no longer hold myself accountable for the non-communicative ways they have displayed towards me. I will worship daily, and I will trust in the lord, lay it at his feet and move forward. I have come so far and have done so well. I don't deserve to continue to pay this heavy price a second longer. Today I release myself, my fears and anxieties, and my burdens to the lord and will pray that God touches their hearts in a way that may change things at some point in the future. 

If I don't begin to acknowledge the successes and how far I have come when I was left and kicked out with nothing, I will never grow and feed off of that strength and resilience God blessed me with. I am a resourceful and talented individual and I will not allow one mistake define me. I am still a work in progress as we all are but I am a work in progress moving forward. 

Walk the walk, Talk the Talk.....

Since the beginning of the year I have been on a mission to not just pray and go to church but to really be about it. I have not found a church yet but there is one I plan on going to this coming weekend because this has been a beautifully blessed year for me. I believe that God has spoken and made it clear where I need to be every step of the way. God guides our lives, and no matter what I know he will guide me in the right direction. I walk by Faith and not by Fear. Right now I am on the hunt but I know God will guide me to the right place. I know people judge based on my skin, but I  know who I am and I know what I deserve in life. I have been faithful and really changed the direction of my life so I know God will be there for me as I am faithful to him. 

Same God Right Now, Same God Back Then

If he did it before, he'll do it again, same God right now, same God back then.

God has become my everything. My source of comfort when I feel alone, My confidant when I need a friend, and my father for everlasting life. I will never give up trying. I have been having a hard and trying week. The devil is busy in my life and I wake up fighting him. Everyday I try to live that way but it seems that I fail lord. But I keep the faith. Lord, I really wanna want you more, help me to want you more, I need to more!!!

Want You More

By Anthony Brown & Group Therapy