Will Christmas ever be the same for me? I know that I am not the only person on earth going through hard times right now, but when you are in that pain you truly feel alone. I  keep telling myself I am going to quit trying. I continue to ask myself is it worth the immense pain that I put myself through? It doesn't feel that way any longer. I am worth more than this three and a half year punishment that has been placed upon me. I word it in that form because it could have been resolved more than once but the other side refuses to come to any commonality, Maybe that's why I get so mad at celebrities when they wanna get mad and tweet about dumb shit when they have access too get all the help in all the areas they need with in their lives. I am limited as an ordinary citizen to what I have access too and what I can even do for myself.

It is Christmas and I haven't received a gift from my own husband. I made our Thanksgiving a real one by purchasing all the food and he did the cooking. I am the one who has made  all the effort this Christmas and I all I was able to do was order an $89 pair of boots that I will receive by the end of the week. I am grateful that I work hard enough to have and keep the essentials in my own home and pay bills. I have a new car (2018) and am doing well with that. But, is it so bad to just want my husband to get off of call of duty for hours on end, not allow football control his entire days, have him want to go anywhere with me? I am not asking for much. I am trying my hardest. He needs to realize its just going to be the two of us and we have to learn to enjoy one another and be even closer, and work that much harder to keep our marriage together. I named my 4 things that are non negotiable in our daily lives and he (as predicted) became defensive and gave me no plan or ide of how he is going to "Change" things "This time". I have heard this so many times before and his words carry no weight.

Made A Way Cover by Juzang

https://youtu.be/hxiNlza_hLQ

I just have to tell myself that God will make a way and at least I know that if I speak it, it shall be

Grown & Petty

Petty: of little importance; trivial.

Its amazing to me how a word with such a short and sweet definition could change a persons entire moral compass (if they ever even had one).  I know we all have that desire in us to want to retaliate or get back at someone but most of us choose not to do so because we think before we act. I have seen and learned throughout my prior use of social media how severely extreme pettiness has become. People are using screen shots of others to post on various platforms to make jokes and to harm the other individuals character. It has become such a problem you can now attribute small petty behavior to the suicidal ideations of the ones they hurt. When something is out there, it is out. It is very hard to ignore what is right in front of your face day after day. 

I made the conscious decision to walk completely away from the petty behavior of those on social media. I deactivated my Facebook account almost a year ago now and I have never felt more free. I don't feel as if I have to compete with anyone, feel sorrow because I may be struggling more than the next person, and I have grown a real sense of self awareness that I have never had. I see a lot of memes that glorify being petty and it makes me want to vomit. The words pretty and petty may look similar but there is nothing attractive about being a petty individual. As Michelle Obama coined the term "When they go low, we go high." I truly believe that. If we go low, and they go lower, we are both headed on a downward spiral of ugliness. That is a ride I do not want to be on and refuse to engage in.

Rise above the nonsense. Stop trying so hard to prove you are a "Queen B" or a "Bad B" by acting petty. All that displays is your inability to be an adult and make sound decisions for yourself. Most of the men and women you see displaying this behavior are those who have families and are over the age of 25. You would think that by that point a persons priorities would be in line, but apparently that is not the case.  What example are you setting for your children that you chose to bring into this world? What example are you setting to your parents who may have you raised you to be better than that? An what example are you setting to strangers who may not know the good of you and are only exposed to the pettiness within you? 

Actions have consequences, and Karma..... well, she plays dirty too.

Retrospect (A Poem)

Beginning again, again, and again,

I never thought that in my life it would end.

The cycle of lies beneath the cloak of hate,

all I needed was a clean slate.

Stuck within the madness within my own soul,

everyday passing by I'd lose myself, grow cold.

watching you live and build yourself up while standing upon my back,

little did I realize that the day was coming, you were plotting to act.

To act against me in the most egregious way,

not allowing me to love my daughter, not allowing me to stay.

Be the part of her life that no woman could ever be,

no matter how deep and dark you may try to bury me.

I will always be her mother no matter where I am on this earth,

she knows the truth, too young to understand my own pain and girth.

This child will grow into a young woman and ask about the truth,

what are you going to tell her? you cant continue the lies based upon your charade as the "Good Guy" and I "The Rouse"

You knew of all my weaknesses, you knew of all my hurts,

you knew the things that pained me, you pried them out in spurts.

I hated telling you the truth about my feelings because something inside me did not trust you,

but you made me feel as if I could, back then if only I knew.

Today is a new day, I have grown into someone you do not know,

You are still struggling with hate and guilt piled upon you like a monsoon of snow.

I wake up every day and choose to do what is hard, not to do what the world would like.

I rise and shine everyday and hop on a different bike.

A bike I haven't ridden yet, a bike that has no miles,

so I can continue to rewrite the story of my journey with love and a smile.

A smile I will not wipe off of my face because of the pains of my past,

but a smile that will shine bright as the nights stars and in my heart forever last. 

The state of hate in which we live in right now is insane! Trump just gets worse by the moment and continues to say the  most idiotic things you can think of. I don't know what to think from day to day. I used to watch the news and keep CNN on the background, but it has become so ridiculous. These days I'd rather listen to Law & Order or Hallmark Christmas movies. The blatant lies, the ugly attacks, the obvious racism.... its just too much. Whenever I hear a supporter of Trumps trying to spin the crap that comes out of his mouth they always concede at least one lie he spewed then in the same breath walk about 67 other lies back. I look at the crowds that he receives, and they are all white ranging from the very young and very old. The people who compile his "base" are the exact people who are getting the shit end of the stick yet they are blinded by the social hate rhetoric he speaks they don't care about what is actually happening to them. You can call me a "Trump Supporter Sympathizer". I truly pray they do not hold that much hate inside, and that this newly found emboldened way they place their hate on display is an awkward teenage phase. I am currently located in a ruby red state. I do not live in the rural areas in which he targets  heavily but I am in a Missouri metro area surrounded by suburbs one in which I live, so I see and have been subjected to this very hate others watch from afar. I don't allow these people to hurt me or my feelings in any way. I just pray for their hearts and minds and move on.  

These images of hate, these acts of domestic terrorism (lets just call lit what it is) and the hateful rhetoric have to stop. I sound a lot like the news anchors on CNN but it needs to be said, even if it falls upon deaf ears. I mean on Thanksgiving the man was thankful for himself. It was so pathetic and sad. He didn't thank the troops, the American people who put him in office, he thanked his damn self. How horribly narcissistic that is to do. I just do not get it. 

Cindy Hyde-Smith defeated the democrat in the Run-off Senate race in Deep Red Mississippi last night which was projected. What I find to be very sad is the fact that she was caught on tape saying she would be in the "Front row of a public hanging" if invited, "joked" about suppressing votes in more urban areas, posted a picture of herself wearing confederate gear with a caption that stated "Mississippi at its best", an went to to an all white private segregated school to avoid desegregation, then in turn years later sent her daughter to the same type of school. That is who that state in America in this year of 2018 sent to represent them in the United States Senate. 

When will we learn that judging one another, being closed minded and harming each other a bad thing? Children know these basics and I am so glad THEY are our future.

I Don't Drink.... but sometimes I feel like I need a Smoke Break

I

Living in the "Heartland" where people are completely heartless has been very hard and has taken a toll on my view of people in general. White privilege is socioeconomically clear here in the the Kansas City, Missouri metro area. It is located right next door to the state line of Kansas which enters a whole new world! I have been rejected and labeled and even denied jobs due to the color of my skin and my appearance. When I am looking for second job I don't even apply for front office administrative positions because I know I am not white nor a blonde or brunette. Although I am well overqualified for all the positions I apply for I am simply denied due to either name discrimination or I am just "not what they are looking for." I find that to be the funniest excuse of them all. Little do these companies know I am a Master Senior Editor and ghostwriter for a major publishing house and oversee 247 people everyday. I have government clearance and am a recent P.h.D graduate. 

When it comes to my own people I am an outcast. The black females out here feel I am not black enough and the males are cool, but just want to use me for whatever they think they can until I inform them I am married.

"If you're shattered, every piece of you that's on the floor he can restore........ he'll take you deeper, he'll give you a song." -Blanca (Christian Artist) 

The fact that I am still standing and thriving upsets some people. Thank you mother for blessing me with the resilience I know in my heart you passed along to me. Thank you for bringing me into this world and God bless you for looking out for me when I stared down the barrels of death and despair. I know you are an angel and have been 34 years. Now, you have your mother back with you and I know you two have mended any heartbreak and just want our family to acknowledge our truths, forgive and let go. I am not going to lie, I  have not let go of the hurt completely that has been bestowed upon me by your daughter and your sister, but God is working on me and I am closer to a true and ever lasting forgiveness. 

With God all things are possible!

Slow & Steady Is Always the Way.... Headed For That City of Gold

It feels so good when you have your life all in order (or for the most part) without so much drama, turmoil, or worry. I am meeting new people and weeding people out rather quickly. But the one or two who I continue to converse with are really good people. Lately I have been a bit more vocal about certain things and have possibly hurt some feelings or maybe they don't care. I struggle a lot with most personalities but I know its because of I approach things with truth and honesty. I like people to keep it real with me. I am no one to lie to. I am not that important to where you have to habitually lie to me for some unknown reason. 

I have made the choice to wake up and do what's right and that includes doing what's hard. I tell God daily that I know I will not be perfect today but I will walk by faith and not by fear. I know he is near and I feel his presence around me. I could dismiss all of what I know to be right and do as the world does, but then that would not be me. I used to struggle with finding who I am and what my purpose was on this earth. I struggle no longer. Once I realized that God guides my life, I let go of all that burdened me, my worries, fears and doubts and in that process I found myself. I am a child of God! 

The Release ........

Here we are four years later on July 4th, 2018 and I am still being held to a mistake I made in 2014. I proclaim that I will no longer continue to pay the price that I have already been punished for and have been held hostage to for the last four years. No more crying and no more complaining from this gal. I have reached out and I have even spoken to my sweet girl and I have been pushed away so pettily with such ugliness and faux love. I was hurt, shattered and lay broken on the floor, but here I stand. I stand with pride, I stand with dignity, and I stand with my God, my Jehovah Jirah! There is nothing left for me to do, I have done all I can and I will no longer hold myself accountable for the non-communicative ways they have displayed towards me. I will worship daily, and I will trust in the lord, lay it at his feet and move forward. I have come so far and have done so well. I don't deserve to continue to pay this heavy price a second longer. Today I release myself, my fears and anxieties, and my burdens to the lord and will pray that God touches their hearts in a way that may change things at some point in the future. 

If I don't begin to acknowledge the successes and how far I have come when I was left and kicked out with nothing, I will never grow and feed off of that strength and resilience God blessed me with. I am a resourceful and talented individual and I will not allow one mistake define me. I am still a work in progress as we all are but I am a work in progress moving forward. 

Walk the walk, Talk the Talk.....

Since the beginning of the year I have been on a mission to not just pray and go to church but to really be about it. I have not found a church yet but there is one I plan on going to this coming weekend because this has been a beautifully blessed year for me. I believe that God has spoken and made it clear where I need to be every step of the way. God guides our lives, and no matter what I know he will guide me in the right direction. I walk by Faith and not by Fear. Right now I am on the hunt but I know God will guide me to the right place. I know people judge based on my skin, but I  know who I am and I know what I deserve in life. I have been faithful and really changed the direction of my life so I know God will be there for me as I am faithful to him. 

Same God Right Now, Same God Back Then

If he did it before, he'll do it again, same God right now, same God back then.

God has become my everything. My source of comfort when I feel alone, My confidant when I need a friend, and my father for everlasting life. I will never give up trying. I have been having a hard and trying week. The devil is busy in my life and I wake up fighting him. Everyday I try to live that way but it seems that I fail lord. But I keep the faith. Lord, I really wanna want you more, help me to want you more, I need to more!!!

Want You More

By Anthony Brown & Group Therapy 

34 and feeling good! Today I turned 34 years old! I have to say this is going to be one of the most memorable birthdays of my life. It was filled with positivity and people who care. They decorated my office today and we had our monthly birthday party which happened to fall on my actual birthday. I have so much to be thankful for and have grown so much as a person since my twenties. The older I get the more patient and tolerant I become. I am not on Facebook so I didn't get any of those Facebook Birthday well wishes. I am learning to forgive and truly let g. This year the devil has been busy trying to throw me off my game but the devil is a lie! It only taught me that when they go low I go high! Taking the high road isn't always easy, it is a true task, but no matter what I am going to continue on my journey to peace of mind and love of self. 

I love and enjoy my work and never is there a day I am not grateful. No, I do not like the early mornings and the long days but it is so worth it when you are appreciated and you feel you are valued at your job. 

Reward Yourself

In a world where we are desensitized to mass shootings and are no longer appalled by the childish actions of our elected president "45", we must take it upon ourselves to live within our own positivity and create that happiness and joy we wish to see in the world. I no longer allow anyone or anything tear me down. If someone is speaking to me in a manner in which I don't see conducive, I end that conversation. I used to think that would be me not being respectful to hear the other person out, but in all actuality I was disrespecting myself by allowing the other party to speak to me in a way that was hurtful. I believe whole heartedly in speaking whatever it is you desire into existence. It is real! I changed my thought process and what I was going to allow in my life and I feel better about who I am and I am seeing the actual benefits from speaking truth to life and the reaping the benefits of that. I no longer worry myself about the people who have wronged me, or have spoken or still speak ill of my name. It no longer hurts me. I keep them in prayer and in good thought. What would it benefit me to live in a negative space?  I refuse to do that. I love the space and life I am in and living right now.  I will always give those the benefit of the doubt when I meet a new person until they show me that there is real doubt there. Life is much too short to live in paranoia and to fear people, due to an unresolved fear that lives within yourself. 

Update

Happy Saturday all my favorite people.  As I have previously stated before, I do not make new years resolutions. I choose to continue to live my life and grow to become a better person. This year has by far, so far been the most rewarding mentally, physically and spiritually. My faith has grown so much. I truly believe in the power of the tongue and the mightiness it holds. I choose to only speak on positive things and I only engage in conversation that enhances joy and peace throughout my day. I have learned to let things go and truly forgive and let go. I am not perfect, I slip up , but I catch myself in the moment and turn it around.

I no longer try to hold onto things or people who hurt me, say mean things to me or intentionally hurt me. Ii find the strength inside to say NO! I am a good person and deserve better than a person who feels its okay to shame me and try to make me feel as if I am no good. I am a child of the most high God and he makes no mistakes. It is okay to honor who you are, honor yourself. You deserve it. Happiness for A moment can never compare to joy for a lifetime. 

Whatever may come my way I now know a better way to handle it. No darkness will ever stand in my way... I will Radiate always. Its in your darkest hour is when your light shines its brightest. Remember no matter what you do God will never forsake you. People will hurt you, use you, and even abandon you when you need them the most, but God will be there shining his light when you cant seem to find it in you to shine. The Lord will shine for you until you can take over the torch, shine and praise his name.

They say it happens in 3’s

They say things happen in 3’s and that’s when you know karma has come knocking on your door. I am not sure that is something I believe in. My life has never been a stroll down easy street but my walk on this earth is with Faith. I believe the good in people until I am given a reason not to . Even in that I speak prayer over their lives and wish them many blessings. I have been told that I will end up alone by people when they are not satisfied with who I am and what I stand for (and what I will not stand for). Watching anyone walk out my life is hard, but I have learned that god Guides my life and I will never doubt the Lord. Because I don’t have the reaction people want and/or expect they get very upset and say really ugly and mean things. There is only so much a person can take and I know my limits. 

Life is not a movie, it doesn’t play out that way. Life is a journey and with the ups and downs we have to take it for what it is. I am not afraid to state that I have no relationship with the family I was born into. I love them and always will as people but the pain and hurt caused has been too great and that’s not something I can allow myself to engage in or entertain in any way. I honestly at this point don’t know who to trust at all. I live a very lonely life and that may make some people happy.  They don’t see the actual repercussions they cause the other person.  I will never again get too personal with anyone at this point and time in my life. Maybe one day I will be able to open my heart again but right now or anytime soon that will not be the case. 

I do for myself, I do not ask anyone for favors or handouts. If I cant get it myself i simply wait until I can. I handle my business, I never miss work, and I pay all my bills on time. I will turn away from any lack of love and move forth with life.

I know better :)

S.C.M.